Friday, November 19, 2010

I Cant Pray Anymore

I cant pray anymore
the light has left my body
and instead, I am filled with a hollowed and
oppressive darkness that wont lift

I cant pray anymore
my cries to the sky fall upon the clouds
and seem too weak to rise any higher

I cant pray anymore
The words of the book seem emptied of their
significance and promise and I am left with
only words

I cant pray anymore
I only cry out, lost and alone, choked with
my own sorrow and without any aid
to save me

I cant pray anymore
dhut out of a house that I called home
told to open doors that one locked and bolted
and here's me, without a key
I keep waiting hoping something will change
but I'm locked out and freezing in the cold
crying slowly
dying slowly

People say Amen
and my reply is "Whatever"
Because I get no answers
I am hurt instead of helped

I cant pray anymore
I can sing anymore
I cant love anymore
My faith has been broken and dissapated
I know if I could hear something or someone call to me, things would be ok again...
but I cant

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Mirror, mirror

I have an addiction that’s more like an affliction because I’m sick of my reflection, staring back at me glaring at my body, finding fault with every heartbeat that escapes me

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Weird SciFi Dream

So I was on this huge ship/planet with the rest of humanity. we were paired with aliens trying to genetically mix with humans. We had to adjust to the aliens being there so we put in wider doors and fewer walls because these aliens had a large centipede like body with a centaur like head. It looks as if they were made out of glass. So we're all transformed into human-alien hybrids which made us have to adjust more to new room arrangements(there was a carnival for some odd reason)

Then some of the aliens wanted humans to turn fully alien and get rid of human individuality. They tried to force our bodies to become all alien by eliminated human invention and human requirements in buildings. but other aliens and humans didnt want that including myself so we stopped the aliens and put back human individuality and evolved into better forms than human or alien.

i've been reading too much octavia butlers, obviously lol

Saturday, October 16, 2010


This semester I returned to a semi-known status, one that was boosted with my false confidence. I say false because I didn’t know how much had change. I didn’t know that my previous snugly fit position had turned on me, effectively shutting me out of the well-oiled machine that is college life. Without my place, my reserved throne, I was tossed from remembrance by my peers and left wondering where else could I go?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

8 Real Reasons That I Date Outside My Race

1. The more open my mind is in general, the more likely that my expectations wont crowd out potential matches.
2. Percentage wise, there would be more people that will compliment my personality than if you just stick with one race
3. I start to see how privilege works when not just applied to whiteness.
4. Different exposure to how folks unlike my usual normal work and live.
5. In the pool of potential dating opportunities that I have in my community, the kind of guy I'm looking for is more about maturity and open-mindedness than about finding "a man".
6. I see how inter-racism works and how more than just blacks are negatively affected by it
7. So many more hot guys lol.
8. It's always been about who compliments me on the inside, not on the outside. race does matter but so does compatibility.

Saturday, September 11, 2010


i really love Lupe Fiasco and N.E.R.D... they were the mango smoothie to my kool-aid, the baked catfish to my fried chicken.

Sunday, September 5, 2010


As I dream I feel the whispers of shadows creeping along my body. My phsycality rejoices at this alien concept of touch and caresses. My mind, however, looks on sadly, knowing that these shadows would shrink in the candlelight of actual memories and i possess no memories. As a result, my body's sensitivity has heightened to a painful degree, one that these shadows can even excite.

Friday, September 3, 2010

To Spanish or not to Spanish?

so i was in one of my "moods" when i happened to think up this phrase "mi corazón siente hinchado pero vacío"... it made me wonder if i should start writing poetry in spanish as well... or a weird hybrid of spanglish... i dunno but a poem about how i ended up so immersed in Latino (most mexican and puetro rican) issues and language might make an interesting poem... we'll see.

plus it will be a welcome break from writing about how depressed and lonely i am

Thursday, September 2, 2010


Starving for non-obligated touch, something like a brazenly unashamed caress. Something that shows me Im wanted, but in my life, dreams remain where they are. Waking up to the rain is what I have to look forward to

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Finally I'm Admitting That I Love Him

when i tentatively said to myself, "i think i love him" it felt like that was right. Not right as in right with the world or good, just right as in "correct". i never expected my first "love" to be such a dull ache that spans years rather than a sharp pain that lasts very shortly. (i guess, i kno i havent felt anything as strong and lasting as this and it sure as hell contributes to my depression and misery.)... i had always hoped for it to be with someone that loves me back but nope. and it's been a years long process and it ends the same. im not who he wants. and i will probably cry later. again. shit, after so many rejections and unreturned feelings, you'd think i get better or at least less affected by this. FUCK i dont need this

Friday, August 27, 2010

Maybe I should rename my blog Diary of a Frequently Forgotten and Lonely Black Girl

i didnt realize it till now but i am starting to think that joining a sorority was my downfall. let's look at the facts. pre-sorority, i was confident in myself, enjoyed my own company, self-reliant, and didnt depend on other people to be happy and complete.

when i was on line however all that change. i did it for all the "noble" reasons. i wanted to trust people and friend more and learn to be a part of something other than my own laziness. cuz here was a organization that stated it's values as the same values as i proclaim: academics, helping the community, fighting cultural ignorance, being posed and confident women, and being able to interact with different people. but in order to get that, i compromised so much. and im starting to wonder if any of that is even real.

i was no longer in charge of my own schedule, i had girls tell me how worthless and disappointed in me they were at all times. i didnt have myself and the control to rule my own life. and slowly i crumbled more and more. maybe this whole sorority business has damaged me more than i thought. because now i feel weak, starved for attention, the need to feel truly wanted instead of just tolerated. and i want to impress people. there were times when they kicked me (verbally) while i was down and yeah they would apologize but would do it again and then try to heal the wounds that i never had until they walked in. i have never been on edge so much in my life. it makes me wonder, was i wrong in continuing, in joining, and now, in staying?

before the process i was confident and self assured... and now im the opposite. is it really because of my pledging or is it something else?

i would give all this up in a second if it meant i could go back to how i used to be

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Tired of Well Meaning People: Positive Intent doesnt equal Positive Outcome

these are the times when my slow destruction has clouded out hope of seeing any light of rebirth
i dont know if i will be here still to see myself rise again

It's like...

flying in a cold sky and all of the sudden, a blizzard hits... I cant fight it, I can only land and hide
but as I hide,
I freeze,
I start to die.
No matter that I'm told that it will end soon, or that I will survive.
I cant deny that I'm still dying. It gets colder and colder and I hope that I can hold out until the blizzard ends.

Being alone hurts more than ever because there's no heat other than my own fading warmth. Sometimes there are others who stay for a bit and attempt to warm me with shallow promises and a dissipating presence...
but they leave me so quickly (because obligation and fleeting concern "eventually" flies away) and I end up colder than before and dying that much faster.
Dont tell me there will be relief "eventually" as Im fading NOW. I need something concrete now to hold on to. Making it past this hour is my focus
Dont fucking ever tell me "Eventually" because you know what?
Eventually you'll leave me,
eventually the cold will freeze me.
and the only thing that the "eventual" blizzard's end will do is thaw my dead body so it can finally start rotting

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Heated Chains

Heated Chains: Part 1

I wake up again, panting, wishing for this to be over with already. Shackles of my own loneliness and lust hold me up as I listen for the inevitable footfalls on the stair, which come only when I cease to (hallucinate) again. As I attempt to unlock myself from this self-inflicted pit that I have fallen into, they finally appear. As they walk into the room, my eyes watch with anger at my weakness and embarrassment at the fact that, deep down, I wish be bound like this because I have nowhere else to go. However, each arousal blinds me for longer until the line between what I want and what I have is irrevocably blurred. I stare into the face as it comes closer and closer, kissing me until I fall again into sweet-tasting indulgence and insanity.

These dreams are always the same, my independence and believed inner-strength spat upon as the visions contain my deepest desires. Wishing to be loved for all of me, as my waist and ego are caressed. In this moment, I dont care that this isnt real because this fantasy, this unreality, is the only one that I can claim for myself. There is no guessing, no uncertainty, and no reason to not continue. My life within “reality” has left me little to give up so staying here is too easy.

Again, I fall into a non-sleep that arouses feelings that I always proclaimed that I never had and the heat takes me once more.

Part II: Heated Depths

Within the Dream State
My body is the victim of my thoughts and my thoughts are the night’s prey to my physical cravings. Each intertwine the other in a ongoing circle that keeps me trapped within caresses and chains, wondering if I’ll ever see the light of my self control again

What My Dreams Are Made Of
I dream in emotions where visuals and imagery are secondary. I’m more than just raw, I’m singular and all consuming with the power of what I feel. I wake up with the aftertaste in my mouth and heart and it takes hours to reach any sort of reality again but the heat of my fire stays with me.

Part III: Tentative Cooling

The chains that once burned so fiercely have turned cold on me. After one last effort that blazed into dissipating presence, whatever was holding me here has disappeared. Exhausted and aching I look up at the basement door. I am not sure but I think it's finally unlocked. The only question is if I attempt to escape, will I only be pulled back in. As I walk towards the door though, so far, it seems not

Sunday, August 1, 2010

She saw him at the bus stop: a short story

She saw him at the bus stop, probably waiting for the same bus as her. She eyed him, assessing his black spiky hair, coal-black eyes and rounded pink lips. In all honesty, she thought, he is pretty attractive. She guessed from his laptop bag and obvious Chinese descent that he was a student from the college campus that she lived on with her family. The community that she lived in was pretty mixed but there weren’t a lot of Asian men, save for the ones who were going to the college or members of the community who were already married and rarely seen without their wives.
She glanced at him again, a little hesitant to approach. Her experiences (and the experiences of friends like her) told her that most Chinese guys were even less into black women than white guys. White guys had their fantasies of booty shaking girls while Chinese men, it seemed, just ignored the presence of any womanly essence or personal relativity encased in black skin. However, it’s not like she had anything to lose. Her batting average at a continuing acquaintance after a short-lived meeting was so low that she wasn’t too invested in feeling hurt after a more-than-likely rejection.
She moved closer to him, trying to get his slight attention since his headphones would block out anything she said and the words would fall on the ears of the people around her without any reception. Hey, she said, and waited as he took of his headphones, glancing at her.
“I like your laptop bag. Where did you get it?”
He replied with a glimmer of personal connection, “Oh, I actually got it as a gift”
There the conversation started, the easier task for her since starting things were her forte. It was continuing them, preserving them that seemed to be the problem. True to form, the conversation carried as far as the arriving bus. Still attempting to keep the conversation alive, she talked with him about her need for a laptop in her major as they got in line to pay the bus fare. Unfortunately when the fare was paid and she sat down, he nodded in her direction, passed the open seat next to her, and continued to a seat in the back of the bus.
She sighed, put on her headphones, and used the music to drown out the feedback of her latest rejection.

(Let me know what you think!!)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Current Mood: The Urge To Scream "FUCK!!!"

So I visited my college campus to say good-bye to my friends who are going to Rome for study abroad. i love those two girls to death, it's going to be hard without them. We acted crazy and stuff for 4 days and it really did me some good. It reminded me of the good friends and life i have back there to look forward to.
However there was a downside to the visit. Two of my friends who "Werent looking for a relationship" or "didnt want commitment" are now officially in a relationship... wtf? now in my 14+ group of friend it is me and one other girl who isnt in a relationship and the other girl just got out of one so it kinda doesnt count.

hence the urge to scream "fuck"

i mean, it got to the point where i google searched "20 yrs old, never been kissed" to see if i was a freak or not. because no matter what my parents and neighbors say, most people i know have been in at least one relationship if not more. usually more by my age. and when i looked online, the kind of people in the same boat were mostly jesus freaks... yeah, that didnt make me feel any better. fuck, what's so wrong with me?


Friday, July 16, 2010

A Letter To Mr. Cutie At the Bus Stop

Dear Attractive Chinese-American U of C Student at the Bus Stop,
When I asked you about your laptop bag, I wasnt actually interested in where you got it. I was trying to start a conversation. and eventually flirt. better luck next time, sexy.

A Attractive Black Female Iowa State Student

Monday, July 5, 2010

Today was a good day

Man, it seems like my lows are finally not outnumbering my highs so much. and my neutrals are increasing. today was definitely a high though.

Day started out with a food extravaganza, lol. tomato mozarella, out-of-the-box muffins, and a little smoothie, much more than i usually have for breakfast.
At around 12 me, my neighbors, their kids, and my sister all went out to see Toy Story 3. It's funny because my neighbors are white and black and the kids are half white half indian. and then me and my sister are black. my neighbors though are in general, super cool. anyway, Toy Story 3 was great, best movie i've seen this year. after, we went to Little Italy and had Thai food ironically. We also bought Italian ices at the lemonade stand.

When we got home, i got a call from a guy that i know from my old soccer team. i had seen him the day before and he talked about us hanging out, something that i didnt mid doing. so we walked around a nearby park and talked for a bit. unfortunately i was kind of bored and i made up an excuse to go home. he talked about how we should go to a movie or something and at first i was thinking no but i talked to a neighbor who helped me see that not everything has to be about a new relationship or whatever. just going out with a friend and seeing a movie should be chill. now all i have to do is not obssess over it and i will be golden. overthinking stuff is my specialty unfortunately.

so now, im just going to try and take it a day at a time

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Starting with this

"I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."- Theodore Isaac Rubin

Thursday, June 24, 2010

What Will Destroy Me

What will destroy me is this silence. right here. a silence that smells of this bed that i unconsciously made myself. It's filled with mothballs of my imagination and a chained fence to keep me away from the unimaginable, the unattainable things that i cant cope with.
but it's not my fault, i never knew another way. but im still stranded.
what can i do honestly now that i've seen that there is no way out and the habits i thought were just habits are actually buried deep inside the bone so that i can never escape them or be saved from them.

why do i cringe, why do i run, why cant i just stop and chill for one second. why do i always feel like staying will destroy me when running is helping no better.

Monday, May 17, 2010

So This Is Where I'm At

To start off, I love Bassey Ipki. I almost feel like she's a mirror at times of what I look like from the outside (behavior wise anyway). What she seems and what she tweets and talks about are also juxtaposed in a way that I find very familiar. People tell me about my beauty, my self-awareness, my consciousness, and my "strength" which I always laugh at. And then they see my twitter or catch me when I'm on the outs and they are always so surprised at the inner workings of my mind.

On twitter, Basseyworld and another woman, museofinsanity were talking about BP2 and how their minds operate. As I read (sorry, I'm nosy) I kept thinking "exactly! that's exactly what I do". I'm not saying i have BP2 but a lot of things resonated with me like:

1. over-analysis and suspicion bordering on paranoia.

I overthink everything. especially relationships and what exactly they do for both other people and for me. Also I am suspicious about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. When i do that, i almost feel safe, like, if i always keep in mind that anything can happen, i will never be shocked or too hurt when they do. If i analyze this and prepare for any consequence, i can deal better.

When i meet people and hit it off with them, i always keep in mind, "they might be this" or they might be that. i remember when i was younger and learned about how some men abuse their younger female relatives, i made myself, not necessarily believe that mine would, but tried to prepare myself so that i would know what to do if they did. I wanted to be able to sever a connection or love just in case i was betrayed. and it's always like that.

and then i over analyze myself, trying to find what is wrong with me so i can fix it. i compartmentalize, over analyze and try to diagnose EVERYTHING that i do because if i know what it is, then i may know better how to fix it. even this whole post is me trying to figure out what's going on with me and then be able to at least deal better.

2. Always thinking about how others see me and how I expose myself

Even acts that are natural to me are thought about. i think "if i do this, their reaction will be this and if they react like this, i can do or say this. and it's exhausting. i dont even know if it about caring what people think or about trying to be hurt or angry as little as possible

I always want to be low key. Sometimes i feel like i am not a good friend because I dont call sometimes as much as I feel a real friend would. Or that I dont do enough for people as their friend. Foe example i feel like im not a good sorority sister because i dont always want to do things with the sorority or i dont call all of the sisters enough. As for calling people in general, i dont really like talking on the phone because my mind gets distracted a lot since I dont have the visual. I prefer talking with people face to face. I remember i was listening to Blacking It Up while working on a project when Bassey was like "It's hard for me to pay attention to you guys when you jump from topic to topic. i get confused" "I have nothing to look at" (Sorry Bassey for outing you but I was like "Damn I'm not the only one who does that huh? The last thing I want to do is make you feel like I'm making fun of you because that is my last intention.) But I feel like I make a really crappy friend.

3. Seeing how whenever I move on to a different mindset in my life, I lose the previous set of friends.

As for the friends part, usually, but not on purpose, i change my mindset or way of life and they never chase after me anyway so I never trust them to after awhile. It was really hard when i was pledging. I would break down often but not tell anyone because I didnt want them to annoy me. especially because I broke down a lot. and over stuff that i wasnt sure they would understand, sometimes things i didnt even understand. i didnt want them to see how my mind worked because people have always thought im weird anyway and thats just from what i let show.

4. thinking that people are mad at me or stop caring about me because i did something

I remember that when i was younger i would always be like "my name is karen, if you ever have a problem with me, let's talk about it face to face. let me know and we will deal with it. and this was when i was like 13. i wanna deal with issues and trust that people will raise them instead of them being mad at me to the point where i lose them because of something i didnt know i did. i blame so much on myself because if i did something, then i might be able to fix it. and then i try doing so

there are other similarities and things that those two talked about that i found in myself. And if I tried talking about the issues I have with men and dating, I would be here for like a month. But as a quick overview, i am 20 years old and never have been kissed, been in a relationship, and I have never found a guy where there was a mutual and equal amount of wanting. For the most part it was always them never liking me
(whether enough or at all).
im kind of tired so i will leave this here for now but here are some of the poems i have written about these things.

Passing Me By
let me carve a place of loneliness for myself, where I'll sit and watch life pass. I'll wave occasionally of course. i will even convince ppl im about to get up. but i never will, will i?

Let go, let go
Let go of your investments in the time, space, and feelings you shared with them. I tried to warn you before didn’t I? I told you that as good as it was then, they would eventually drop you at a time where you’re the most vulnerable. See that’s why it’s been just you and me. Which in essence is you and you. Just let go of the laughter inside of the inside jokes and let go of the hugs, the kisses on the cheek, let go of finally being part of something other than your own pity party cause you weren’t even invited to that. Its not that they don’t like you, its just that they didn’t care, something that you always suspected, something that I always told you. But you decided that since you never trusted before, you should probably start. You’ve always been left out, remember?
No matter how long the time, whether weeks, months, or years, they eventually tell you what you knew already. That you just not part of them, can never be part of them and so good luck on your search elsewhere.
What? You don’t want to let go? Please baby, what are you going to do? Even if they do pick you up again, for how long will they keep you? They’ll take what you give them and give you fool’s gold of self-worth and confidence back cause hey, you never mastered the whole “achieving self-contentment” thing alone, did you? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. So let go of the mess, let go of them, because I will always be here in the back of your mind telling you and reminding you that you aren’t worth the time. You aren’t worth their time.
Now go ahead. Sit in the corner. Make sure to get some tissue

My blog post on 12/2/09 called "So, I have a dilemma" explains a lot of this and me.

What Am I Hiding?
Tucked away behind my stares and looks of…well I guess I’d call it superiority or maybe even ego. The thing is that yes, my ego is inflated but with what? Ego filled with nothing substantial or real that can combat the miles of insecurities and questions that I battle with while trying to do simple things like ordering a Peppermint Hot Chocolate. I would get a mocha but I really don’t like coffee all that much, I just get it for the chance at having something warm to hold on to, something warm to consume and make me feel content for even just a second. In reality I get a decaf, because I cant really handle the coffee itself. I love the chocolate though because chocolate, even in it’s unadulterated forms, still gives me its richness and flavor without making me deal with any unexpected side effects that I cant handle.
So, what am I hiding?

Untitled for Now
My mind lines up my failures one by one in an attempt to reiterate the fact that I may be me but that doesnt mean he has to like it. In fact, they rarely do. No girl power chants and declarations to be myself will comfort me when I'm staring at all the faces and names in my mind of those who just didnt care enough. Or just didnt care.
Doesnt matter how smart i am, how pretty they tell me I am, how loving, caring and kind they perceived me to be. Because they dont want what I can give. So I stand alone at a place where I can no longer comfort myself with the notion of Someday, because it has been too many days, too many failures, and too many instances of me watching them disappear with the continous looping thought of "Why didnt he want me?"

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I really have no idea how my self esteem ended up in the crapper

it's been a rough couple of months for my emotional and mental health. even after the stress lessened, i still found myself crying in between classes and at night when im by myself and the days activities are over. even right now it's hard for me to keep writing this and not to just regress back into my mind. at the moment i have no control over my thoughts and they just tortured me until im numb and i sleep to get away from it. im doing my best, talking to different people, taking advice, keeping busy. but i dont know for how long this will continue

Sunday, April 4, 2010


my heart practically bursts out my chest for nothing. I'm so ready for things to happen and so clueless as to how to start. there is no easel to paint on, no audience to sing for, no one to receive what it is i have to give. and i leave again, and again, always unfufilled. so i just waste away, sadness rising with every loss. i attempt to be grateful but i just want to fly. im glad for having a safe place to roost but i want to start trying to FLY. otherwise, i will never be strong enough to sustain any flight, any journey.
unfortunately it's night and I have no idea when the sun will finally rise. i dont know if it ever will. shit, as far as my life has gone, i HAVE been waiting forever. i know i can go without the sun, live my life in darkness, knowing my way, repetition after repetition, but is it so wrong to want to see sunrise before i go blind? and my eyesight is already terrible. calling out, signing songs of wistful thinking and lonliness, waiting. and waiting.
and waiting with only hallucinations and daydreams to keep me company

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Pain, something that I didnt know that I knew about. All I felt was something like a wound. In disbelief I stared at it for awhile, not believing what I was seeing. Finally I poked at it to tell if it was real. Tears, infection, and the pain all flushed out at once and I tried to cradle and protect myself from doing it again. I hugged my arms close around my chest and rocked.
Pain is pretty painful

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


Apparently I've been neglecting my blog. i will probably post about recent happenings and thought later but for now, here is a poem i wrote and performed.


Drawing crooked and indistinct lines in the sand between what I’ve known and what I’ve been told. Community, Humor, Family: all of it the romance that I’ve been told that my black skin is supposed to offer. Black survival and my survival are one in the same and yet are two opposing forces that I narrowly walk inbetween, always falling over one side or the other. The elements of this survival are jarring and change it's meaning everytime I think I get closer.

Community: Is it cold spaghetti at a barbeque or block parties with a broken fire hydrant?
Humor: Is humor making something so foul and stifling into a joke, so that it can unravel the bindings holding you prisoner to it?
Family: Is family the people who are the only ones who will defend you from anything and anyone?

The ante-bellum and "old time" stories detailing these attributes weave throughout 5th grade novels and primetime on BET but rarely get to a place where I can recognize them, save for the few that I have experienced first hand.

Instead of drawing from the same stale well of what I’m told that blackness means, I recall and regurgitate how these “givens” of blackness show themselves to me.

Community was exclusive; a club that only the ones who had "made it" could be in to show off our status. It was an isolated bubble of protection from the dangerous darkies that inhabited the outside world and werent fit to dine on the delights that our community consume with the quickness. We comforted ourselves with the insulation of how they weren’t like us anyway, that they needed to get jobs, get lighter, get Jesus, and get “educated” because hey, that’s how we did it.

Humor was a self-righteous exercise as we laughed our way over uncomfortable feelings of the holes we had dug in ourselves to be filled with other people's projections. Humor was a quick pill to ease the constant ache of sitting on people who we were and weren’t a part of.

Family was a badge of honor that we used to flash at people to let them know how much we were worth. Our kids were properly mixed with good hair and even better elocution. We were kids that went to good schools, good programs, and received even better scholarships.

And even as i look at these implications, I feel the love from my family and our commitments to making each other happy. I still feel the good times filled with laughter, I still feel the comforting presence of being within my community. My home.

We are kids that need to unlearn the poison of a double-edge security that has supported us and injured us for so long.

Monday, February 1, 2010

Passin me by

let me carve a place of loneliness for myself, where I'll sit and watch life pass. I'll wave occasionally of course. i will even convince ppl im about to get up. but i never will, will i?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

forgotten post

Sometimes I look at a guy and think "man he is such a Hyde Park Cutie". you know, the intelligent, slightly pompous, usually light-skinned boys who listen to more punk rock and Jazz than gangsta rap. *sigh* I miss home sometimes.