Monday, August 31, 2009

College Ready

First week of classes has gone by. Here is a rant I did on the subject of education and the US obsession with grades. Sociology 134 is going to be interesting

Ever since I started to learn more about my own identity about myself, grades have become less important to me than the content.
Parents instilled the “a person’s worth is their grades” if you did better it’s because you are better/smarter/more focused etc. even now. However students at my school were more knowledgeable about world issues that I had never given a thought. As those issues became my own, school was less about the grades and more about the content and how it applied in my life and the life of others. I’ve stopped being a drone. However this article revealed to me the parts that are still grade and praised driven. I am still a student and person who loves to get authority approval, recognition and attention. However the face has changed a little. It is still though something I am working on in seeing grades as a way of seeing how hard people work and how worthwhile they are. A good grade though has changed its face fortunately. I now identify more with people with life experience more than a diploma. My parents asked me if I would date someone who had never gone to school or gotten their GED and I replied immediately of course because I know that that person still worked hard because that is what life requires. Especially in a society that values a person more if they have an “education”. How I value a person though is if they have “smarts” like whether they know about and affect the issues in our culture and world that change both. Or are they just a say so person that believes in whatever is taught. So I have a mix of pride in my ability to get myself out of that way of thinking without directly addressing it but by directly address that part of it am I able to change it even more for the better. Part of it was my English class at my high school. Part of my high school’s curriculum was social justice so some teachers were truly interested in content more than memorization. In fact if you just imitated the book and showed no thinking process of your own and how it affected your life, you would fail. My English teacher Mr. McHenry was hated for this, including by me. I was the one who was obsessed with grades and I prized myself higher than the other students. I never really made any good friends in high school as well and I was really lonely. I got the grades though. Mr. McHenry however wanted MY opinion and then to use what I just read to support it. Also I began to admire students who I would before designate as stupid or clowns. I admired one guy named Hector. While he showed no enthusiasm for getting good grades, in fact I think he was constantly barely passing, he seemed to get the highly complex concepts that we were learning. Concepts like Othering in the White mainstream and the paradox of the way public schools teach kids not to think and then do but to do without thinking. (Because this topic isn’t new to me. Sorry but Mr. McHenry got her first)

Unfortunately through all of this talk, mainstream teaching has left its mark on me. However my view of the authority figure has changed. It isn’t “the teacher” who I am trying to impress now with my knowledge of stuff that doesn’t matter to me but the person who I feel really knows a lot more than I do about a typical subject. It’s still an unhealthy habit to constantly try to please an authority figure but it’s starting to balance and I have a feeling time will do it’s job.

The safest way of having no thoughts of one’s own is to take up a book every moment one has nothing else to do. It is this practice, which explains why erudition makes most men more stupid and silly than they are by nature. I both disagree and agree with this statement. While many people I know who feel themselves book learned and knowledgeable are certified idiots, it’s because they aren’t reading the book for content about their own life. Usually I am doing exactly what Schopenhauer says. If I am not doing anything else I pick up a book or read a blog. However even though the habit back in my high school days did make me number to socialization, the habit now helps in growing who I am BECAUSE I know that the experiences go a lot farther than the book itself. It isn’t the books anymore that I think have the most knowledge but the people who wrote them. I mean, this in itself, the text we read, is a book. And as long as one has already thought past what the book says to what the author is communicating about a certain aspect of live, I see no problem with reading. Especially if one knows that reading about an experience can never replace the experience.

This article is definitely not all inclusive and seems to speak more to middle class students with the time and wealth to not only decide to not care about grades but also to take off from school when the reality for some people might be that scholarships are the only way they can get a better education to get a better job to feed themselves. It also looks out a white, privileged, middle class lens predominantly.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Taking the Myers-Briggs Test

So I have always love taking personality tests because usually im too busy trying to be perfect to see who i actually am. and i get stupid easily. so anyway i thought it would be interesting to go through thoughts in my head as im taking the test.

Do you tend to
let things happen naturally
plan your actions in advance

Well, i tend to imagine how arguments with people about certain issues will go and how i will answer points i think will be brought up. however i get irritated when there is too much planning and not enough doing. i guess the former

In your opinion most people are
unworthy of real trust
worthy of real trust

Well it depends on who "most people" are categorized as. lately most white people and some people of color that i've trusted come up short when talking about things that bother me i.e. institutional racism, american privilege, etc. so i was trusting before but now, not really. and if you are thinking "that stuff doesnt have anything to do with this question, you probably have no business reading this blog.

Do you admire people who are
stable and successful
profound

stable and successful in my world usually means rich and privileged and not thinking about other people. and profoud people are the people who are my role models.

Do you find it
easy to talk about your feelings
difficult to talk about your feelings

easier with people who are thinking along the lines that i am but hard with everyone else since i dont know what to say to get them to understand me.

When confronted with a sudden question do you
wait for someone else to respond first
usually respond first

I like attention, i like answering questions..

When searching for a solution are you more interested in
the process
the solution itself

i think the process is most important but when actually in the process i want the solution NOW!

Do you more often prefer to
know what you are getting yourself into
adapt to new situations

I hate being disappointed. surprised is fine but disappointed not. and my least favorite part of school is adapting in the beginning. sooo...

Are you more interested in
your own thoughts and feelings
what is happening around you

i am always looking for what is happening around me...but usually to make me better at dealing or aiding it...hmmm

Would you say that you have more
penetrating insight
astute observational powers

hmmm, im rather ok at picking up on what is going on by observing but i also see pretty well to the heart of things, only with help though


I just realize that these quizzes are hard because im busy struggling for an ideal me instead of taking the actual me as she is.

Do you tend to
readily help people while asking nothing in return
expect something in return when you help someone

unfortunately, im not there yet.

I like to say im something because i know the good it will lead to. but i havent accepted a lot of things about myself yet.

the result?
ENFP
Extroversion, iNtuitive, Feeling, Perceptive
http://www.personalitypage.com/ENFP.html
my ideal me though was an INFJ/INFP

i wish i was a lot less loud and a lot more thinking about the things i say

American

I want to be something other than American
I want to have been born somewhere else
Be someone else
and not have this weight of the blood and desperation of those who are forced to support my American lifestyle
I've had it easy and it has made me weak
I want to not be used to getting chocolate at any grocery, having so much food SO MUCH FOOD at my disposal
And i want not to feel incredibly privileged and selfish that I wish I didnt have things that people would and do die to have everyday
nobody deserves that and yet my lifestyle directly funds it
and i hate feeling like there is nothing i can do about it while my daily "necessities" bleed and scream.

I dont want to want this privilege because it tastes just as good as it does terrible

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Thoughts

So I started and finished Confessions of an Economic Hitman this morning. I also at the same time had a dermitologist appointment at a new office (new insurance). As I read, my world started crashing and burning around me. My life and lifestyle is supported by the desperation, starvation, and prostitution of those countries that my country exploit. Something else I realized is that I might start having to be careful about what I say and what I do. Because the censors are on baby and reading every word I say. Some of my thoughts as I was reading:

1. How in the world might I try to fix this when there are people on all sides ready to take protestors out?

2. Why would I try to follow the example of American Revolutionaries when it is their fault for the slaughter of Native Americans ( including my own ancestors) and the enslavement of Africans (and other people of color) and the drainage of resources from any country of color

3. why does this empire building thing increasingly seem like a white thing. it is the countries of color (and few white countries) that are being exploited and white countries that are doing the exploiting

4. what can i, a light skinned, black, middle class, American teen do, especially since my voice is one of the last to be heard including in my own race

5. how big of a role does the racialization of europeans and countries of color play in the "economics"? especially in who is the oppressor.

6. what responsibility as a BLACK middle class teen do I have over these events considering that even selling out is a act of survival and made necessary by the white majority power who made these exploitative decisions in the first place? I know i feel responsibility for my lifestyle and it's not all whitey's fault but just how much do i do?

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Hmmm...

Minister Louis Farrakhan: "First, the program starts with number one. That is number four. The first part of that program is that we want freedom, a full and complete freedom. The second is, we want justice. We want equal justice under the law, and we want justice applied equally to all, regardless of race or class or color. And the third is that we want equality. We want equal membership in society with the best in civilized society. If we can get that within the political, economic, social system of America, there's no need for point number four. But if we cannot get along in peace after giving America 400 years of our service and sweat and labor, then, of course, separation would be the solution to our race problem."

Hmmm....

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Final Sermon Draft

1 Thessalonians Chapter 5: Verses 21-22
Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil

Last July I was baptized. Some of what I remember are how I opted out of the baptismal gown, how quick the dip was, and how members of the church started to sing wade in the water after I was done. But probably the thing I remember the most is how different my life became after that. Once I made a promise to accept Christ I immediately started making the changes I thought I needed to make in my life. Changes like not cursing, not saying God’s name as an expression and reading the Bible everyday. Bigger changes like what exactly I believed and how life works, were just beginning. Unfortunately my understanding of the religion of Christianity and of life in general was (and still is) very limited. Many times being “Christian” means being a person who does good and not just a good and decent person. Decent people still make bad decisions and hurt other people. I have come to realize that the action of doing good is a lot more important. Doing right by others meant I had to focus on doing right myself. So that is what my heart and soul is trying for. But the process of figuring this out was a long and hard one. Especially when trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to do.
“Doing good” turns out not to be such an abstract concept. In fact, the reality is a lot more familiar. In the beginning of my time as a baptized Christian I was focused on being the “say it loud, say it proud” kind of person, the kind you see on street corner and passing out pamphlets. Church was supposed to be this big celebration cause, hey, even if no one listened to me, I knew I was right and that my sins were done. I had made it. Songs were to celebrate our victory in front of the vague and obvious evils in life like drugs, sex, money, and cable television. Fortunately my social education at Jones in regard to questioning everything taught me to look behind every curtain to find the “why”. In this case, figure out why these evils were labeled evil. Fortunately firsthand experience is not always needed, but an open mind and empathetic heart is. For example, if you know someone got burned by putting his or her hand in the fire, you understand you probably shouldn’t do it. However I wouldn’t stop at just not doing it. I would ask, why’d they stick it in the fire in the first place, how does the flame burn you, what scar does it leave afterward. Certain evils then start to have much more familiar faces.
However, something else that I figured out, is that some evils aren’t as obvious or as general. I can’t designate “acting like a good person” separate from playing video games, or laughing with my friends, or texting on my phone. It’s funny but I found that being good in fact was defined by all the “extra” activities that I did outside Sunday and church. And also I found new ways of thinking and looking at life and how we all live it.
If I bring up the subject of racism, sexism, capitalism or politics, and it’s everyday appearance in my and everybody else way of life, I feel that I am being a good person. Why? I’ve realized that these general and horrible things underline many of the things we do and think. In fact, these issues aren’t as obvious as a slur here and an open insult there. Usually, like in the case of institutionalized racism in daily life, I end up attempting to educate myself on centuries long and extremely complicated fights about issues that seemed really simple. An example? My hair.
My hair use to be permed and in shoulder-length braids. The hair in my braids was mostly extensions. When I went away to college I read the Autobiography of Malcolm X, a fantastic book that I recommend that everyone should read at some point in their life. Some things that this book taught me was how ingrained my feeling of inadequacy about my hair was in my outlook. It just seemed normal. Birds flew, bees buzzed, black girls got perms. However a look at why I put perm into my hair was revealing. To sum it up, to have “coarse” and nappy hair is always considered wild, unprofessional, ugly, etc. And that’s because it isn’t straight. In a culture that has taught me that I am not as attractive as the silky haired blondes on TV, I had swallowed hook line and sinker that my hair had to be “tamed”. Even though my daily life, I rarely thought, “Oh I want my hair to look like a white girls, that was my mindset. People including kids from the age of 5 to teens to adults, have told me up front that my hair used to be so pretty and that now I don’t look female. The whole term “good hair” should show everybody what I mean. Good hair usually describes long and straight hair. Some people have said, it’s just a fashion but categorizing good hair and bad hair says something else entirely. Having short and essentially “black” hair is supposed to be ugly. I decided though that any hair on my head was to be appreciated, because it’s me. Some people tell me that my short and kinky hair looks too “black”. But my question is, what’s wrong with being black? Why is being black being ugly? Well, I just decided to be beautiful.
Now this is not an attack on anyone that does or does not have a perm. But my point is that for me, I decided that there was nothing wrong with my hair. There is nothing wrong with having straight or nappy hair. But I wanted to let my hair and therefore myself just be without making it into something else to be beautiful. This is what I mean by questioning everything. Something so seemingly simple as hair can be a lot more complicated and given some serious thought. It is our everyday activities that can reveal how we think of other people and ourselves.
Now this “hair explanation” probably seems a little self centered. But think how many girls are told their hair is ugly because it isn’t long or straight enough. How many teens have been teased because their hair is “too nappy’ or even the reverse, black teens whose hair is straight are attacked for being too white. How many commercials on TV feature long and straight haired girls looking beautiful? How many natural haired black women do you see on music videos, magazines, or commercials? This all helps shape how our young women think of themselves whether black, white, Latino, whatever. And this is also, to me, important in forming my idea of whether I am doing good or not. Am I helping a young black girl be strong in who she is or am I, even silently, reinforcing the stereotype that long straight hair is the only hair that can make her beautiful?
Many subjects that seem small, like hair, can be factors in knowing how to treat people like they are worthwhile human beings and not people who aren’t as pretty, aren’t as American, aren’t as smart, aren’t as rich etc. Looking at what is going on behind the scenes, to me, has been one of the most important things I feel that God has taught me. As kids and teenagers, we have the responsibilities of attempting to figure out both our parents world and our own. We can’t figure out where to go if we don’t know where we’ve been. Fortunately we have help from young adults that went through the same thing. One thing you figure out as you get older is that everything changes and that we inherit the world that our parents lived in. Someone who put that into song is Lauryn Hill. Now since I am getting up there in my years, I am not sure how many of you still remember Lauryn Hill, but I found that she really connected with youth because she was one herself at the time. One of her songs comes into mind called Everything is Everything.
I wrote these words for everyone
Who struggles in their youth
Who wont accept deception
Instead of what is truth
It seems we lose the game,
Before we even start to play
Who made these rules? were so confused
Easily led astray
Let me tell ya that
Everything is everything
Everything is everything
After winter, must come spring
Everything is everything

Sometimes it seems
Well touch that dream
But things come slow or not at all
And the ones on top, wont make it stop
So convinced that they might fall
Lets love ourselves then we cant fail
To make a better situation
Tomorrow, our seeds will grow
All we need is dedication

I remember as a kid, loving that song. But as a teenager, it started to become more of an anthem then just a good song to listen to. I remember her especially saying, let’s love ourselves and we cant fail to make a better situation. Making sure that we ourselves we are being treated as someone worth something can give us a better idea of how much others are worth as well. “Love others as you love thyself.” Meaning, don’t put yourself or anyone else in the gutter. It’s a hard thing to learn within the context of school, friends, significant others, and people we just cant stand. However if you need help, some of the best people you can ask are sitting right here. Even as we question and take steps in this world that we live in, we can still ask for help from people our age or older. Sometimes even kids can give a untouched and raw insight because in their minds are the reflection of our culture. So let’s be the ones who not only can say “I’m a Christian” but someone who God and those who may or may not live within him can proudly say, they’re good people.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Sunday Sermon

Hey all. I am giving a sermon at my church for kids day so I was wondering if you could read this and tell me what you think. This isnt directly at only Christians either. So basically tell me if you are confused or if I didnt transition something well or whatever. I would really appreciate some assistance though. (as u probably guessed this is to be read outloud)

1 Thessalonians 5:21-22
Test everything. Hold on to the good. Avoid every kind of evil

Last July I was baptized. Some of what I remember the most are things like how I opted out of the baptismal gown, how quick the dip was, and how members of the church started to sing wade in the water after I was done. But probably the thing I remember the most is how more complicated and different my life became after that. Once I made a promise to accept Christianity I immediately started making the changes I thought needed to make in my life. Lesser changes like not cursing, not saying God’s name as an expressions and reading the Bible everyday. Bigger changes though were just beginning. My idea of what a Christian was supposed to act, think, and be like was (and still is) very shallow. Being “Christian” many times meant being a person who did good and not just a good and decent person. Decent people still make bad decisions and hurt other people. The action of doing good though, I have come to realize is a lot more important. Doing right by others meant I had to focus on doing right myself. So that is what my heart and soul is hinged on. But the process of figuring this out was a long and hard one. Especially when trying to figure out what exactly is the right thing to do?
Doing good turns out not to be such an abstract concept. In fact, the reality is a lot more concrete. In the beginning of my time as a Baptized Christian I was focused on being the say it loud, say it proud kind of person, the kind you see on street corner and protesting in front of abortion clinics. And church was supposed to be this big celebration cause, hey, even if no one listened to me, I knew I was right and that my sins were done. I had made it. Songs were to celebrate our victory in front of the vague and obvious evils in life like drugs, sex, money, and cable television. Fortunately my cynical education at Jones in regard to questioning and “de-constructing” everything taught me to look behind every curtain to find why. In this case, figure out why these evils were so bad. Fortunately firsthand experience is not always needed but an open mind and empathetic heart is. For example, if you know someone got burned by putting his or her hand in the fire, you probably shouldn’t do it. However I wont stop at just not doing it. I would ask, why’d they stick it in the fire in the first place, how does the flame burn you, what scar does it leave afterward. Certain evils then start to have much more defined faces.
However, something else that I figured out though is that some evils aren’t as obvious or as general. Most times being good (or a Christian) does not only fall into a certain action or a certain behavior. I can’t designate acting like a good person separate from playing video games, or laughing with my friends, or texting on my phone. It funny but I found that being good in fact was defined by all the “extra” activities that I did outside Sunday and church. And also I found new ways of thinking and looking at life and how we all live it.
If I bring up the subject of racism, sexism, capitalism or politics, and it’s everyday appearance in my and everybody else way of life, I feel that I am being a good person. Why? Because these issues aren’t as obvious as a slur here and an open insult there. In fact, I’ve realized that these general and horrible things underline many of the things we do and think. Usually, like in the case of institutionalized racism in daily life, I end up attempting to educate myself on centuries long and extremely complicated fights. An example? My hair.
To give you all a brief overview my hair use to be permed and in shoulder-length braids. The hair in my braids was mostly extensions. When I went away to college I read the Autobiography of Malcolm X, a fantastic book and one I recommend to everyone sitting here. Some things that this book taught me was how ingrained my feeling of inadequacy about my hair was in my outlook. It just seemed normal. Birds flew, bees buzzed, black girls got perms. However a look at why I put perm into my hair was revealing. To sum it up, to have “coarse” and nappy hair is always considered wild, unprofessional, ugly, etc. And that’s because it isn’t straight. In a society that has taught me that I am not as attractive as the silky haired blondes on TV, I had swallowed hook line and sinker that my hair had to be “tamed”. The whole term “good hair” should show everybody what I mean. Good hair usually describes long and straight hair. Some people have said, it’s just a fashion but categorizing good hair and bad hair says something else entirely. Having short and essentially “black” hair is supposed to be ugly. I decided though that any hair on my head was to be appreciated, because it’s me. Some people tell me that my short and kinky hair looks to “black”. But my question is, what’s wrong with being black? Why is being black being ugly? Well, I just decided to be beautiful by being “ugly”.
Now this is not an attack on anyone that does or does not have a perm. Some of my best friends have perms. But my point is that for me, I decided that there was nothing wrong with my hair. There is nothing wrong with having straight or nappy hair. But I wanted to let my hair and therefore myself just be without making it into something else to be beautiful.
Basically what I am trying to say in this long explanation of my hair is that the subject of why I got rid of my perm took a few minutes to say but in my daily life, I rarely thought “Oh I want my hair to look like a white girls”. And even though I may not have expressly said that, that was my mindset. This is what I mean by questioning everything. Something so seemingly simple as hair can be deconstructed and given some serious thought. It is our everyday activities that can explain how we think of other people and ourselves.
Now this “hair explanation” probably seems a little self centered. But think how many girls are told their hair is ugly because it isn’t long or straight enough. How many commercials on TV feature long and straight haired girls looking beautiful. How many natural haired black women do you see on music videos, magazines, or commercials? This all helps shape how our young women think of themselves whether black, white, Latino, whatever. And this is also, to me, important in forming my idea of whether I am doing good or not. Am I helping a young black girl be strong in who she is or am I, even silently, reinforcing the stereotype that long straight hair is the only hair that can make her beautiful?
Tons of seemingly small subjects like hair can be factors in knowing how to treat people like they are worthwhile human beings and not people who aren’t as pretty, aren’t as American, aren’t as smart, aren’t as rich etc. Looking at what is going on behind the seems to me has been one of the most important things I feel that God has taught me.


**Update** my mom just told me that my sermon is next sunday, not this sunday. wow im kinda slow but that means i can get more input! yay!