Monday, May 17, 2010

So This Is Where I'm At

To start off, I love Bassey Ipki. I almost feel like she's a mirror at times of what I look like from the outside (behavior wise anyway). What she seems and what she tweets and talks about are also juxtaposed in a way that I find very familiar. People tell me about my beauty, my self-awareness, my consciousness, and my "strength" which I always laugh at. And then they see my twitter or catch me when I'm on the outs and they are always so surprised at the inner workings of my mind.

On twitter, Basseyworld and another woman, museofinsanity were talking about BP2 and how their minds operate. As I read (sorry, I'm nosy) I kept thinking "exactly! that's exactly what I do". I'm not saying i have BP2 but a lot of things resonated with me like:

1. over-analysis and suspicion bordering on paranoia.

I overthink everything. especially relationships and what exactly they do for both other people and for me. Also I am suspicious about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. When i do that, i almost feel safe, like, if i always keep in mind that anything can happen, i will never be shocked or too hurt when they do. If i analyze this and prepare for any consequence, i can deal better.

When i meet people and hit it off with them, i always keep in mind, "they might be this" or they might be that. i remember when i was younger and learned about how some men abuse their younger female relatives, i made myself, not necessarily believe that mine would, but tried to prepare myself so that i would know what to do if they did. I wanted to be able to sever a connection or love just in case i was betrayed. and it's always like that.

and then i over analyze myself, trying to find what is wrong with me so i can fix it. i compartmentalize, over analyze and try to diagnose EVERYTHING that i do because if i know what it is, then i may know better how to fix it. even this whole post is me trying to figure out what's going on with me and then be able to at least deal better.

2. Always thinking about how others see me and how I expose myself

Even acts that are natural to me are thought about. i think "if i do this, their reaction will be this and if they react like this, i can do or say this. and it's exhausting. i dont even know if it about caring what people think or about trying to be hurt or angry as little as possible

I always want to be low key. Sometimes i feel like i am not a good friend because I dont call sometimes as much as I feel a real friend would. Or that I dont do enough for people as their friend. Foe example i feel like im not a good sorority sister because i dont always want to do things with the sorority or i dont call all of the sisters enough. As for calling people in general, i dont really like talking on the phone because my mind gets distracted a lot since I dont have the visual. I prefer talking with people face to face. I remember i was listening to Blacking It Up while working on a project when Bassey was like "It's hard for me to pay attention to you guys when you jump from topic to topic. i get confused" "I have nothing to look at" (Sorry Bassey for outing you but I was like "Damn I'm not the only one who does that huh? The last thing I want to do is make you feel like I'm making fun of you because that is my last intention.) But I feel like I make a really crappy friend.

3. Seeing how whenever I move on to a different mindset in my life, I lose the previous set of friends.

As for the friends part, usually, but not on purpose, i change my mindset or way of life and they never chase after me anyway so I never trust them to after awhile. It was really hard when i was pledging. I would break down often but not tell anyone because I didnt want them to annoy me. especially because I broke down a lot. and over stuff that i wasnt sure they would understand, sometimes things i didnt even understand. i didnt want them to see how my mind worked because people have always thought im weird anyway and thats just from what i let show.

4. thinking that people are mad at me or stop caring about me because i did something

I remember that when i was younger i would always be like "my name is karen, if you ever have a problem with me, let's talk about it face to face. let me know and we will deal with it. and this was when i was like 13. i wanna deal with issues and trust that people will raise them instead of them being mad at me to the point where i lose them because of something i didnt know i did. i blame so much on myself because if i did something, then i might be able to fix it. and then i try doing so

there are other similarities and things that those two talked about that i found in myself. And if I tried talking about the issues I have with men and dating, I would be here for like a month. But as a quick overview, i am 20 years old and never have been kissed, been in a relationship, and I have never found a guy where there was a mutual and equal amount of wanting. For the most part it was always them never liking me
(whether enough or at all).
im kind of tired so i will leave this here for now but here are some of the poems i have written about these things.

Passing Me By
let me carve a place of loneliness for myself, where I'll sit and watch life pass. I'll wave occasionally of course. i will even convince ppl im about to get up. but i never will, will i?

Let go, let go
Let go of your investments in the time, space, and feelings you shared with them. I tried to warn you before didn’t I? I told you that as good as it was then, they would eventually drop you at a time where you’re the most vulnerable. See that’s why it’s been just you and me. Which in essence is you and you. Just let go of the laughter inside of the inside jokes and let go of the hugs, the kisses on the cheek, let go of finally being part of something other than your own pity party cause you weren’t even invited to that. Its not that they don’t like you, its just that they didn’t care, something that you always suspected, something that I always told you. But you decided that since you never trusted before, you should probably start. You’ve always been left out, remember?
No matter how long the time, whether weeks, months, or years, they eventually tell you what you knew already. That you just not part of them, can never be part of them and so good luck on your search elsewhere.
What? You don’t want to let go? Please baby, what are you going to do? Even if they do pick you up again, for how long will they keep you? They’ll take what you give them and give you fool’s gold of self-worth and confidence back cause hey, you never mastered the whole “achieving self-contentment” thing alone, did you? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. So let go of the mess, let go of them, because I will always be here in the back of your mind telling you and reminding you that you aren’t worth the time. You aren’t worth their time.
Now go ahead. Sit in the corner. Make sure to get some tissue

My blog post on 12/2/09 called "So, I have a dilemma" explains a lot of this and me.

What Am I Hiding?
Tucked away behind my stares and looks of…well I guess I’d call it superiority or maybe even ego. The thing is that yes, my ego is inflated but with what? Ego filled with nothing substantial or real that can combat the miles of insecurities and questions that I battle with while trying to do simple things like ordering a Peppermint Hot Chocolate. I would get a mocha but I really don’t like coffee all that much, I just get it for the chance at having something warm to hold on to, something warm to consume and make me feel content for even just a second. In reality I get a decaf, because I cant really handle the coffee itself. I love the chocolate though because chocolate, even in it’s unadulterated forms, still gives me its richness and flavor without making me deal with any unexpected side effects that I cant handle.
So, what am I hiding?

Untitled for Now
My mind lines up my failures one by one in an attempt to reiterate the fact that I may be me but that doesnt mean he has to like it. In fact, they rarely do. No girl power chants and declarations to be myself will comfort me when I'm staring at all the faces and names in my mind of those who just didnt care enough. Or just didnt care.
Doesnt matter how smart i am, how pretty they tell me I am, how loving, caring and kind they perceived me to be. Because they dont want what I can give. So I stand alone at a place where I can no longer comfort myself with the notion of Someday, because it has been too many days, too many failures, and too many instances of me watching them disappear with the continous looping thought of "Why didnt he want me?"

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