Friday, August 27, 2010

Maybe I should rename my blog Diary of a Frequently Forgotten and Lonely Black Girl

i didnt realize it till now but i am starting to think that joining a sorority was my downfall. let's look at the facts. pre-sorority, i was confident in myself, enjoyed my own company, self-reliant, and didnt depend on other people to be happy and complete.

when i was on line however all that change. i did it for all the "noble" reasons. i wanted to trust people and friend more and learn to be a part of something other than my own laziness. cuz here was a organization that stated it's values as the same values as i proclaim: academics, helping the community, fighting cultural ignorance, being posed and confident women, and being able to interact with different people. but in order to get that, i compromised so much. and im starting to wonder if any of that is even real.

i was no longer in charge of my own schedule, i had girls tell me how worthless and disappointed in me they were at all times. i didnt have myself and the control to rule my own life. and slowly i crumbled more and more. maybe this whole sorority business has damaged me more than i thought. because now i feel weak, starved for attention, the need to feel truly wanted instead of just tolerated. and i want to impress people. there were times when they kicked me (verbally) while i was down and yeah they would apologize but would do it again and then try to heal the wounds that i never had until they walked in. i have never been on edge so much in my life. it makes me wonder, was i wrong in continuing, in joining, and now, in staying?

before the process i was confident and self assured... and now im the opposite. is it really because of my pledging or is it something else?

i would give all this up in a second if it meant i could go back to how i used to be

1 comment:

  1. I considered pledging just for networking and kinship purposes. But the thing is that you can't guarantee that these people won't practice hazing. And it seems like most of the Greek orgs are trying to mold people into an idealized image. So going into such an organization, especially if it's one of the Divine Nine, you have to be prepared for these things. Personally I want more control over my image. I will only change if it suits me for my career and academic goals. But I don't want to be surrounded by such negativity where people tell me how to dress, complain that I'm not feminine enough or get on my case for looking the way that I do.

    I understand where you're coming from with this. And perhaps it is not too late to back out, but if there is some way you can resolve the issue do talk to someone. Don't let it ruin your life and self-esteem. It's taken me a while to realize that I'm just happier, albeit somewhat lonelier, when I just do things solo and live on my own with few associations. You don't always have to be surrounded by a bunch of people to get through life. You still find a way to interact with others so that you can succeed and know the right people.

    Perhaps with the girls you're around you need to bitch up a bit. The worse they could do is kick you out of the sorority maybe, but don't let them walk all over you and make you feel miserable.