Tuesday, April 27, 2010

I really have no idea how my self esteem ended up in the crapper

it's been a rough couple of months for my emotional and mental health. even after the stress lessened, i still found myself crying in between classes and at night when im by myself and the days activities are over. even right now it's hard for me to keep writing this and not to just regress back into my mind. at the moment i have no control over my thoughts and they just tortured me until im numb and i sleep to get away from it. im doing my best, talking to different people, taking advice, keeping busy. but i dont know for how long this will continue

Sunday, April 4, 2010


my heart practically bursts out my chest for nothing. I'm so ready for things to happen and so clueless as to how to start. there is no easel to paint on, no audience to sing for, no one to receive what it is i have to give. and i leave again, and again, always unfufilled. so i just waste away, sadness rising with every loss. i attempt to be grateful but i just want to fly. im glad for having a safe place to roost but i want to start trying to FLY. otherwise, i will never be strong enough to sustain any flight, any journey.
unfortunately it's night and I have no idea when the sun will finally rise. i dont know if it ever will. shit, as far as my life has gone, i HAVE been waiting forever. i know i can go without the sun, live my life in darkness, knowing my way, repetition after repetition, but is it so wrong to want to see sunrise before i go blind? and my eyesight is already terrible. calling out, signing songs of wistful thinking and lonliness, waiting. and waiting.
and waiting with only hallucinations and daydreams to keep me company