tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8176195404353958172024-03-14T00:17:56.466-07:00The InBetweenNo dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilightUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger67125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-75736121651620604872012-07-04T06:28:00.003-07:002012-07-04T06:28:51.087-07:00GambleI'm not a girl who bargains<br />
I take it and run<br />
I give it up for none<br />
i dont care about possibly better offers<br />
or options<br />
i refuse to end up with nothingUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-23739552020369593552012-05-21T07:18:00.002-07:002012-05-21T18:36:28.545-07:00SunGlassWe lived in a glass house with rotting wooden frames. <br />
I saw the sun everywhere<br />
so distracted that I couldnt see that you were trapped within another room, wondering how to reach me. <br />
The rot spread, buckling the wood, and everything started to crash and collapse. <br />
You wanted to warn me but I was too dazzled by the all encompassing light to hear you yell my name. <br />
I had gotten so used to your cajoling, soft footfalls and low voice that lightly vibrated across the glass panes.<br />
You crashed through my glass fortress and pulled me out as it all rained down, shattering the sun into thousands of razors. <br />
I cried at the pain, too distracted by it and my loss to realize you saved me. <br />
You walked away.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-18969232270531319142012-05-16T17:37:00.000-07:002012-07-02T09:40:08.343-07:00The Making of White RoomYour lips possessed a fire pressed lightly <br />
Gentle and warm, with no reason to fight <br />
myself <br />
I was the beheaded lily, attempting to regrow. <br />
My foundation already shaken <br />
I revealed to you, my friend, <br />
a sweet smelling and slightly sweating hand <br />
With which you used to pull me closer, <br />
with a touch of excitement. <br />
But I misunderstood your purpose or you misunderstood your malice <br />
I thought you held peace within your embrace <br />
but I was strung and laced with oiled string <br />
That were set aflame and burned grooves into my collarbone <br />
And something thrilling, <br />
tinged with a fear that I tried to overlook and bury, <br />
Unearthed itself little by little <br />
Anxiety building, <br />
growing so tall that I had to force myself to let go <br />
But it wasn’t soon enough <br />
I hit the ground. <br />
I shattered. <br />
My anger died and was reborn into a monster <br />
that I had hoped would consume us both <br />
But it’s only me that stares out of this white window, <br />
sitting on this white bed, <br />
Looking out at a world that I won’t rejoin <br />
Until I piece back together what I thought was mine.<br />
<br />
<br />
My poem "White Room" was written about and partially in the psychiatric inpatient ward. I was there for around 5 days, partially because i had no medication to stem the tide of mental feedback i was having. looking back, it still hurts, but probably because the place i am in now still sympathizes with the girl who ended up in that hospital bed. Even if it's true, that I've gotten better, something in me cant say for certain that I truly have, although I have parents and friends that would say differently. Right now, my interests rarely lie in getting better. They more rely on BEING better. As for being better, I havent really managed it quite well. <br />
In addition, one would think with all my boy problems that stem from my own mental unhealthiness, that I would give them up all together for awhile. Yet, everytime I think about doing that, I remember how unfair it was that the trauma from my years in middle school kept me from maturing socially in high school and college, especially when it came to dealing with sex and romance. It's not fair that I missed out on so much time and I dont want to miss out on any more. But god, I still feel like I'll tear myself apart from this because what I really want in my social life isnt within my reach. I want something different for myself. Most of all I want my brain to operate differently and function as if it still wishes to be alive and the person I am. No meds will fix that either.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-81596925922926761252012-05-08T06:35:00.001-07:002012-05-21T18:28:53.641-07:00White RoomYour lips possessed a fire pressed lightly <br />
Gentle and warm, with no reason to fight <br />
myself <br />
I was the beheaded lily, attempting to regrow. <br />
My foundation already shaken <br />
I revealed to you, my friend, <br />
a sweet smelling and slightly sweating hand <br />
With which you used to pull me closer, <br />
with a touch of excitement. <br />
But I misunderstood your purpose or you misunderstood your malice <br />
I thought you held peace within your embrace <br />
but I was strung and laced with oiled string <br />
That were set aflame and burned grooves into my collarbone <br />
And something thrilling, <br />
tinged with a fear that I tried to overlook and bury, <br />
Unearthed itself little by little <br />
Anxiety building, <br />
growing so tall that I had to force myself to let go <br />
But it wasn’t soon enough <br />
I hit the ground. <br />
I shattered. <br />
My anger died and was reborn into a monster <br />
that I had hoped would consume us both <br />
But it’s only me that stares out of this white window, <br />
sitting on this white bed, <br />
Looking out at a world that I won’t rejoin <br />
Until I piece back together what I thought was mine.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-56698487622785251952012-05-08T06:33:00.002-07:002012-05-08T06:36:04.194-07:00Some New CinquainsI fell.<br />
From a distance<br />
they saw, but I just kept<br />
falling<br />
<br />
-------------------------<br />
<br />
Somebody<br />
Please find my mind<br />
oh god it's been three years<br />
without<br />
<br />
-------------------------<br />
<br />
Goodbye<br />
I loved you all<br />
and I love me with you<br />
I loved<br />
<br />
dedicated to my graduating classmates at ISUUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-10273118837518900992011-11-03T19:25:00.001-07:002011-11-03T19:25:47.686-07:00Come Winter RewriteIt’s very cold<br /><br />The endless Winter surrounds her as her moth bitten ash coat keeps her clothed, but never warm. The key to her survival lies within her frozen entirety: the icicles driven through her heart. These bloodless sacrifices keep her from needing warmth because the chill is already within her. There’s no defeat for there is no pain, only numbness<br />She walks from home to home to beg, absorbing those few sporadic bursts of warmth. She feels treated with human compassion just as rarely. Doors open for short period until they see what has come. One short blast of body warming heat later and they shut the door<br />It’s ok though. Empathy is not something that she expected, but those memories of the fleeting warmth cling to her. They intrigue her, embrace her, and give her reasons to keep walking forward.<br />Every once in awhile, someone wavers on indecision and their door remains open for longer than expected. In those bittersweet times, heat surrounds her being, letting her imagine what being completely warm might feel like. At those times, the icicles within her reveal their curse as they begin to thaw.<br />Pain suddenly pierces through her enjoyment of the freeing warmth and her numbness begins to drains away.<br />But it’s ok. She doesn’t expect friendliness for too long. She never hopes for her heart to truly heal by finding a safe and permanent place that would give her time to fully thaw completely. She doesn’t believe in the outside help that would be needed to stitch the fully thawed ripping remains of what froze her. Her faith is as cold as the rest of her<br />So she fed on the fleeting heat, never believing that she could want for more.<br />One night she knocked on a door. It was a door that wasn’t different from any of the others she’s knocked on. When he eased the door open, wondering who could bear to be in this bitter environment, he looked upon her and stared in shock and horror. Although she was used to horror at her image, she had never seen a compassionate expression like this be for her ice covered and thoroughly chilled self. She stared at him, dazed by his sympathy. She stumbled with shock when he ushered her inside his home. She stood in the hall awkwardly and he guided her to his fireplace, gathering blankets around her.<br /><br /><br />She warned him that her cold went deep and her pain once thawed would need a great amount of attention and care. That she could die if his warmth unfroze too much of her only to be kicked back into the cold.<br />They talked as she began to reveal her inner scars and he wasn’t frightened away. Even though he never said the words, he seemed to indicate that he would sing her into sleep and patch her scars. So, she fell asleep to his voice filled with promise.<br />She thawed. Her numbness gave way as the deep scars within her chest opened fresh and bleeding from the warmth around her. At first, he tended to her while she was sleeping but the scars were deep and so much more serious than he could ever have expected. The pain that should have awakened her was blocked by her belief that she had found somewhere safe and that she was going to be ok. She bled.<br />She woke from her slumber with bone quaking shivers and searing hot pains coming from within her. She realized she was outside again, the winter now even colder because her wounds suffered the agony of being open to the air.<br />She tried to move on like she had previously, home to home but never staying long. However, her heart wouldn’t heal and the blood kept the icicles that would have given her familiar relief from forming again. More and more she bled as she tried to keep going. She wasn’t ok anymore<br />Finally, she collapsed into the snow. Strangers walked by promising that eventually she would get help but she only lay dying, regretful of the false hope that had gotten her here. As she sunk further into the snow, she was filled with a dread that told her<br /><br /><br />“You’ll never be ok again”Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-55755870315982452682011-10-27T20:06:00.000-07:002011-10-27T20:07:18.337-07:00Fight Agony FightingMy chest is heaving painfully<br />Dry air bellows from my super sensitive lungs as I run<br />And run<br />There’s pain behind me<br />A indistinct rising mass<br />So I fight to run<br />And run<br />But my legs are so weak<br />They shake and spasm from exhaustion<br />But I still force myself to run<br />Except now i only crawl<br />Finally something whispers in my head<br />“what happens if you stop fighting”<br />the whisper trips me and I go down<br />I stay down<br />And the pain washes through me sharp<br />But as I am whisked away<br />My poor body is relievedUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-68586779537362005792011-09-15T19:10:00.001-07:002011-09-15T19:10:54.179-07:00White Room with a 24-hour SitterYour lips possessed a fire pressed lightly<br />Gentle and warm, with no room to fight myself<br />I was the anemone,<br /> something fragile. <br />Some of my swaying fronds discolored or frayed. <br />I revealed to you, my friend, a sweet smelling and slightly sweating hand<br />With which you used to pull me closer, with a touch of excitement.<br />But I misunderstood your purpose or you misunderstood your malice<br />I thought you held peace within your embrace but I was strung and laced with oiled string<br />That burned grooves into my collarbone<br />And something thrilling, with the fear I had tried to overlook and bury<br />Unearthed itself little by little<br />Anxiety building,<br />growing so tall that I had to force myself to let go <br />But it wasn’t soon enough<br />I hit the ground. I shattered. My anger died and was reborn into a monster that I had hoped would consume us both<br />But it’s only me that stares out of this white room, sitting on this white medical bed, <br />Looking out at a world that I wont rejoin<br />Until I piece back together what I thought was mine.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-3510150782188295992011-04-18T05:36:00.000-07:002011-04-18T05:37:19.192-07:00Formed PoetryCoffee<br />The cup rises<br />To my lips haltingly<br />The closer it came the more my heart<br />crumbledUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-73705718385925494172011-04-11T17:32:00.000-07:002011-04-11T17:38:05.406-07:00New ThingsCoffee Break<br /><br />Her hand tipped the coffee haltingly towards her mouth<br />As if the closer she lifted the cup<br />The more her heart crumbledUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-76380797964301482902011-03-11T12:09:00.000-08:002011-03-11T12:13:45.578-08:00Her Frigid Heart (short story)It’s very cold<br /><br />The endless Winter surrounds her<br /><br />Her moth bitten ash coat keeps her alive<br /><br />But not warm<br /><br />But she is kept alive<br /><br />In her frozen entirety<br /><br />By the icicles driven through her heart<br /><br />Bloodless sacrifices keep her from needing warmth<br /><br />The chill is already within her<br /><br />And it’s not a defeat<br /><br />For there is no pain<br /><br />Only numbness<br /><br /><br />She walks<br /><br />Home to home to beg<br /><br />For the few sporadic bursts of warmth<br /><br />Sporadic as human compassion<br /><br />Doors open for short period until they see what has come<br /><br />One short blast of body warming heat later and they shut the door<br /><br />It’s ok<br /><br />Empathy is not something that was expected<br /><br />But the memories of the fleeting warmth cling to her<br /><br />And sustain her<br /><br /><br />Sometimes, wavering on indecision<br /><br />The door stay open for longer than expected<br /><br />In those bittersweet times, heat surrounds her being<br /><br />Letting her imagine what it would be like to be<br /><br />Submerged in heat for more than quick moments<br /><br />But as the fires thaw her body, they thaw the icicles in her heart<br /><br />Pain pierces her relief as her numbness becomes slightly undone<br /><br />But it’s ok<br /><br />She doesn’t expect friendliness for too long<br /><br />She never hopes for her heart to truly heal<br /><br />By the way of thawing the cold within her<br /><br />And the stitches that would be needed for her heart if finally it could escape the cold<br /><br />Because the scars in her heart caused by the ripping remains of what froze her<br /><br />Would need an outsider’s aid to keep her alive<br /><br />And her faith in human compassion is as cold as the rest of her<br /><br /><br />It’s ok<br /><br />She was used to the fleeting heat<br /><br />And the endless cold that followed her<br /><br /><br />Until one night<br /><br />She knocked on a door<br /><br />A door that wasn’t different from any of the others she’s knocked on<br /><br />But when he opened the door<br /><br />He stared at her in shock and horror<br /><br />Not the horror she expected though<br /><br />It was horror at the cold within her<br /><br />The ice that had encased her<br /><br />She felt dazed by his compassion and sympathy<br /><br />Especially when he ushered her in<br /><br />Still in shock<br /><br />She stood in the hall awkwardly<br /><br />He guided her to his fireplace<br /><br />Gathered blankets around her<br /><br /><br />She warned him<br /><br />That her cold went deep<br /><br />That her pain once freed would need<br /><br />A great amount of attention<br /><br />And that she could die if his warmth unfroze too much of her<br /><br />Only to be kicked back into the cold<br /><br />They talked<br /><br />She revealed her inner scars<br /><br />And he wasn’t frightened away<br /><br />Even though he never said the words<br /><br />He seemed to indicate that he would sing her into sleep<br /><br />patch her scars<br /><br />and she fell asleep to his voice filled with promise<br /><br /><br />So she thawed<br /><br />Her numbness gave way as the deep scars within her chest<br /><br />Opened fresh and bleeding from the warmth around her<br /><br />At first he tended to her while she was sleeping<br /><br />But the scars were deep<br /><br />So much more serious than he could ever have expected<br /><br />And the pain that should have awaken her<br /><br />Was blocked by her belief that she had found somewhere safe<br /><br />That she was going to be ok<br /><br />So she bled<br /><br /><br />She woke from her slumber with bone quaking shivers<br /><br />And searing hot pains coming from within her<br /><br />She realized she was outside again<br /><br />Then winter just as cold as before<br /><br />In fact<br /><br />It was colder because her open wounds no longer possessed numbness<br /><br />Only the pain of being open to the air<br /><br />She tried to move on like she had previously<br /><br />Home to home but not staying long<br /><br />But her heart wouldn’t heal<br /><br />The blood kept the icicles that would provide her numbness<br /><br />From forming again<br /><br />More and more she bled as she tried to keep going<br /><br />She wasn’t ok anymore<br /><br />Finally she collapsed into the snow<br /><br />Strangers walked by promising that eventually she would get help<br /><br />But she only lay dying in the snow<br /><br />Regretful of the hope that had gotten her here<br /><br />And haunted by the dread the filled her<br /><br />A dread that told her<br /><br /><br /><br />You’ll never be ok againUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-2421654728621962842011-02-18T16:42:00.000-08:002011-02-18T16:48:21.646-08:00Poems from a Sick MindLetting My Light Shine<br /><br />I believed I possessed my own light. Maybe it wouldnt be seen by everyone, but it would be seen. I displayed this light proudly, sure to be recognized by someone... but the years passed. Any notice that my shine garnered were either scathing looks or temporary interest. And so im left wondering, did i ever have a light at all? was it just something I made up in my head as a defensive shield to blind me of the fact that i possess no light and i am worth nothing. I mean how can a light be there, if no one notices?<br /><br /><br />Black Sheep<br /><br />I used to believe that I was just special and unique... but I am passed by, and shut out. In a flock im not the black sheep... in fact, im not a sheep at all. im just a worthless mess shitted out and left behind.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-60542581583213990912011-01-28T16:38:00.001-08:002011-01-28T16:39:10.324-08:00Podcasts and CrazinessI let my crazy run free for a few hours and the Blacking It Up Podcast has proof lol. yes twitter-flirting is awesomeUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-71405976992774472652011-01-06T06:42:00.000-08:002011-01-06T06:49:44.791-08:00New Year, New Beginning, New Day2010 can go jump off a bridge... seriously... but just like the song Your Ex-Lover is Dead, I just need to "live through this, and you wont look back". So I'm taking another semester off and staying home... but that doesnt mean that I'm going to be inside all the time. As a matter of fact, I'm taking some community college courses (REALLY excited about that... I miss school SO much. Because I'm weird :D )... I'm also going to continue my volunteer job with my elementary school library. I am planning on doing a modern dance class at my local Ballet studio as well... not to mention the parties, jazz clubs, and shennanigans I'm going to get into once I've turned 21. For this semester, I hope I can get to the point that I'm not crying about the fact that my entire life has been messed up by this depression. I want to be able to see this as a new beginning and not just an abrupt ending. So hold on to your hat 2011, we're starting fresh!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-38339262652515451032010-11-19T14:34:00.000-08:002010-11-19T14:44:07.407-08:00I Cant Pray AnymoreI cant pray anymore<br />the light has left my body<br />and instead, I am filled with a hollowed and <br />oppressive darkness that wont lift<br /><br />I cant pray anymore<br />my cries to the sky fall upon the clouds<br />and seem too weak to rise any higher<br /><br />I cant pray anymore<br />The words of the book seem emptied of their<br />significance and promise and I am left with<br />only words<br /><br />I cant pray anymore<br />I only cry out, lost and alone, choked with<br />my own sorrow and without any aid<br />to save me<br /><br />I cant pray anymore<br />dhut out of a house that I called home<br />told to open doors that one locked and bolted<br />and here's me, without a key<br />I keep waiting hoping something will change<br />but I'm locked out and freezing in the cold<br />crying slowly<br />dying slowly<br /><br />People say Amen<br />and my reply is "Whatever"<br />Because I get no answers<br />I am hurt instead of helped<br /><br />I cant pray anymore<br />I can sing anymore<br />I cant love anymore<br />My faith has been broken and dissapated<br />I know if I could hear something or someone call to me, things would be ok again...<br />but I cantUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-75318220709946004072010-11-03T19:53:00.001-07:002010-11-03T19:53:38.363-07:00Mirror, mirrorI have an addiction that’s more like an affliction because I’m sick of my reflection, staring back at me glaring at my body, finding fault with every heartbeat that escapes meUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-15467360781823344982010-10-21T08:51:00.000-07:002010-10-21T08:56:08.135-07:00Weird SciFi DreamSo I was on this huge ship/planet with the rest of humanity. we were paired with aliens trying to genetically mix with humans. We had to adjust to the aliens being there so we put in wider doors and fewer walls because these aliens had a large centipede like body with a centaur like head. It looks as if they were made out of glass. So we're all transformed into human-alien hybrids which made us have to adjust more to new room arrangements(there was a carnival for some odd reason)<br /><br />Then some of the aliens wanted humans to turn fully alien and get rid of human individuality. They tried to force our bodies to become all alien by eliminated human invention and human requirements in buildings. but other aliens and humans didnt want that including myself so we stopped the aliens and put back human individuality and evolved into better forms than human or alien.<br /><br />i've been reading too much octavia butlers, obviously lolUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-37181737624327369252010-10-16T11:58:00.000-07:002010-10-16T11:59:41.993-07:00HomegoingThis semester I returned to a semi-known status, one that was boosted with my false confidence. I say false because I didn’t know how much had change. I didn’t know that my previous snugly fit position had turned on me, effectively shutting me out of the well-oiled machine that is college life. Without my place, my reserved throne, I was tossed from remembrance by my peers and left wondering where else could I go?Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-88026041211598272052010-09-30T10:45:00.000-07:002010-09-30T10:52:02.901-07:008 Real Reasons That I Date Outside My Race1. The more open my mind is in general, the more likely that my expectations wont crowd out potential matches.<br />2. Percentage wise, there would be more people that will compliment my personality than if you just stick with one race<br />3. I start to see how privilege works when not just applied to whiteness.<br />4. Different exposure to how folks unlike my usual normal work and live.<br />5. In the pool of potential dating opportunities that I have in my community, the kind of guy I'm looking for is more about maturity and open-mindedness than about finding "a man".<br />6. I see how inter-racism works and how more than just blacks are negatively affected by it<br />7. So many more hot guys lol.<br />8. It's always been about who compliments me on the inside, not on the outside. race does matter but so does compatibility.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-70159191660538084022010-09-11T15:40:00.000-07:002010-09-11T15:41:08.277-07:00Similesi really love Lupe Fiasco and N.E.R.D... they were the mango smoothie to my kool-aid, the baked catfish to my fried chicken.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-81364899507012818932010-09-05T08:32:00.000-07:002010-09-20T09:59:56.040-07:00ShadowsAs I dream I feel the whispers of shadows creeping along my body. My phsycality rejoices at this alien concept of touch and caresses. My mind, however, looks on sadly, knowing that these shadows would shrink in the candlelight of actual memories and i possess no memories. As a result, my body's sensitivity has heightened to a painful degree, one that these shadows can even excite.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-19161467292718638562010-09-03T14:42:00.000-07:002010-09-03T14:46:48.411-07:00To Spanish or not to Spanish?so i was in one of my "moods" when i happened to think up this phrase "mi corazón siente hinchado pero vacío"... it made me wonder if i should start writing poetry in spanish as well... or a weird hybrid of spanglish... i dunno but a poem about how i ended up so immersed in Latino (most mexican and puetro rican) issues and language might make an interesting poem... we'll see. <br /><br />plus it will be a welcome break from writing about how depressed and lonely i amUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-51511568090279339562010-09-02T10:17:00.001-07:002010-09-02T10:17:36.739-07:00UnderfedStarving for non-obligated touch, something like a brazenly unashamed caress. Something that shows me Im wanted, but in my life, dreams remain where they are. Waking up to the rain is what I have to look forward toUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-91065503494028771402010-08-29T20:32:00.000-07:002010-08-29T20:39:03.586-07:00Finally I'm Admitting That I Love Himwhen i tentatively said to myself, "i think i love him" it felt like that was right. Not right as in right with the world or good, just right as in "correct". i never expected my first "love" to be such a dull ache that spans years rather than a sharp pain that lasts very shortly. (i guess, i kno i havent felt anything as strong and lasting as this and it sure as hell contributes to my depression and misery.)... i had always hoped for it to be with someone that loves me back but nope. and it's been a years long process and it ends the same. im not who he wants. and i will probably cry later. again. shit, after so many rejections and unreturned feelings, you'd think i get better or at least less affected by this. FUCK i dont need thisUnknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-817619540435395817.post-77525060231734269672010-08-27T14:03:00.000-07:002010-08-29T21:31:50.068-07:00Maybe I should rename my blog Diary of a Frequently Forgotten and Lonely Black Girli didnt realize it till now but i am starting to think that joining a sorority was my downfall. let's look at the facts. pre-sorority, i was confident in myself, enjoyed my own company, self-reliant, and didnt depend on other people to be happy and complete.<br /><br />when i was on line however all that change. i did it for all the "noble" reasons. i wanted to trust people and friend more and learn to be a part of something other than my own laziness. cuz here was a organization that stated it's values as the same values as i proclaim: academics, helping the community, fighting cultural ignorance, being posed and confident women, and being able to interact with different people. but in order to get that, i compromised so much. and im starting to wonder if any of that is even real.<br /><br />i was no longer in charge of my own schedule, i had girls tell me how worthless and disappointed in me they were at all times. i didnt have myself and the control to rule my own life. and slowly i crumbled more and more. maybe this whole sorority business has damaged me more than i thought. because now i feel weak, starved for attention, the need to feel truly wanted instead of just tolerated. and i want to impress people. there were times when they kicked me (verbally) while i was down and yeah they would apologize but would do it again and then try to heal the wounds that i never had until they walked in. i have never been on edge so much in my life. it makes me wonder, was i wrong in continuing, in joining, and now, in staying?<br /><br />before the process i was confident and self assured... and now im the opposite. is it really because of my pledging or is it something else?<br /><br /> i would give all this up in a second if it meant i could go back to how i used to beUnknownnoreply@blogger.com1