Wednesday, December 2, 2009

So, I have a dilemma

How do I truly acknowledge and accept who I am? I am strange but I am sick of wearing as some sort of badge on my chest. im tired of only trying to be "different" and not me. and the only reason why i do that is because people point out how weird i am without me trying but i dont know how to defend myself against my doubts and their words. i dont know if im doing this right

UPDATE: So after talking with twitter folks i think im going to insert a subtitle whenever i find "political cerebral answers". and i am not mocking the person who told me that because she's right. i need to stop hiding behind it

(for reference Im a 19-year-old, mid-class, black woman from the Midwest. The people I will be referring to are all female and either Latino or Black, middle class or working class. However I go to a majority white, rural school so finding a group of people who wont ask me if I tan is a little difficult which is why I hang with this group so much)

SUBTITLE: the girls im with are some of the few people of color at this school and i feel comfortable hanging out with since i dont have to brush over topics with them for the sake of "getting along"

For those of you who dont know me, I have very rarely cared about fashion. I also cared little about blending in. However things have been happening very fast so even just writing this out may help.

Recently I have gained a new group of friends. Especially two in particular. People who actually seem to like being around me and when I say strange or weird stuff (which happens often) they dont give me the side eye for it. most of the time they either agree or they laugh. mostly laugh. I have had little experience dealing with people and I dont usually hang with my peers but I have been enjoying their company. However there is this one thing.

I have never grown up to love shopping, to care all that much about style or fashion other than the few occasions that i go dancing (cuz i love dancing). I dont wear makeup and rarely wear anything other than beat up white sneakers or boots. So the girls Im hanging with are trying to change that a little. When I wanted to get a outfit to wear when I went dancing, I let them "kidnap" me to get some clothes. Now though, some want me to completely redo my closet. Mostly because all I wear most days are sneakers, jeans, a one size too big tshirt and a bulky sweatshirt. The thing is, I would hate to start nursing a dependence on mainstream clothing and fashion etiquette, which i have always prided myself on not having.

SUBTITLE: I hate changing the things that I like or am comfortable doing just because other people are doing it and not because I actually want it.

One of other the things keeping me from wanting to buy more clothes, accessories, and shoes is that fact that then I would be buying (literally) into the lifestyle that corporations and society tells me i need to have as a black female: the endless nail polish, jewelry, hats, scarves, makeup etc. and i really dont want that. i dont want to be anymore dependent on a system that i despise any more than i have to be. buying clothes that i dont need has never been a mindset of mine and i want to keep it that way.

SUBTITLE: I always compare myself to my peers and I like separating myself as a sort of defense mechanism because I have always been considered strange and so instead of trying to hide it like I used to, I project it until I seem as if I am fine being different. I very rarely find people that wont laugh at me because i've been laughed at by everyone else and it still pisses me off. So I try to fake like I have embraced it instead. TV and people I have tried to be friends with tell me that I'm too out there.
But it is no lie that I despise the manipulative nature of "mainstream culture" because it puts an emphasis on normality. and people tell me im not normal.

some of the people I am hanging out with are willing to let me go as far as i am willing so maybe its just a matter of me saying "okay, im good now. im done buying clothes". cause when i talk about capitalism, racism, or the inherent system of dependency on material items to gain human interactions like friendship and love, and the the inherent privilege that comes with that, nobody really listens.
SUBTITLE: I am starting to learn about capitalism, classism, racism, ableism, and privilege and whenever i want to talk about what i've learned or theories, im always shut down.

reading this post makes me realize that i sound like a 14-year-old. then again when it comes to people my age that probably is my maturity level.

MOST RECENT UPDATE:Yeah, I make simple things complicated and oversimplify the complicated. my dilemma that i posted earlier was less about my friends and more about my continuing issues with being laugh at by my peers and, as a defense mechanism, projecting my "difference" out with false pride. still not sure how to deal with that

1 comment:

  1. Karen,

    Thank you for your honesty.

    I recommended that you do three things.

    One read bell hook's All About Love.

    Read the Combahee statement

    Hang out @ Quirky Black Girls.


    I want to share with you my process of self
    discovery. Given the fact that I have just gotten out of Socy of the Self, I may be long winded, so forgive me.

    It has been a long hard windy road. But this morning I woke up with gratitude that today I am the person that I wanted to be when I was 13. A nappy, a reader, a person with friends who loves her and some money in my pocket to buy nice food. Isn't that awesome? More than anything I can be myself on a day to day.

    Be kind to yourself and try and remember that the folks who laugh are humans too.