As I wait for the 100th episode of bleach to load and stream on my computer, I guess I can take some time just to write. It's been a little while since i last decided to write something (besides this morning). In all honesty, i miss it. I still have the journals that I used to write in when I was younger. It's always interesting to see where my mind was at 1, 3, 5, even 10 years ago.
Anyways, a lot has been happening. Back in New York with the extended family. It's weird how everything has changed but if I dont think about it, I can transform (only temporarily though) back into the person i was only a few years ago. By that I mean when I hang with my cousins. I can, for a few moments, knock out the awareness that i have been trying to arouse, and enjoy my cousins jokes, silly antics and such. Sometimes it's okay because we really are just silly. however there is always a word or a phrase that wakes me up again like "wait, did she just say that?". before i used to rant, rave, and scream about it but all that got me was silent treatments and a really terrible time in new york. i dont just want to get by though by being silent. i dont do silent. but my cousins are in love with their ignorance. try to tell them that something is wrong, they shut down. there really is no talking to them about stuff that matters. so like a good little uncle tom, I sit and ignore their ignorance because when I try to say something, it only shuts them down. so im not sure what to do about it.
anyways i am having fun. especially when just watching silly videos on youtube.
-Oh great, I had been wondering whether my mother could still punish me if im no longer a teenager. i've been arguing with my parents alot more lately. especially my mother. i admit that i have been a lot more self-interested since i got home. being away at college has really spoiled me. no waiting for other people to get stuff done, my schedule being up to me and no one else, not having to put up with habits and bickering from my sister and parents. of course i've missed my family but i never really missed living with them. I've missed my house and cat but i didnt miss being stuck in the house with chores to do that arent things i have done myself. especially doing everbody else's dishes. definitely havent missed that. it's not necessarily that i am just lazy and hate doing work. it's more about the fact that my parents groan about cleaning up after ourselves, yet when messes are made by them, they expect me and my sister, but mostly me, to cleam up, telling us that it is our chore. i ask to have like a specific idea of what they want me too do around the house but it gets changed up so much that times that i thought i was done, they come up with more stuff to do
and i know im ungrateful and spoiled but really mom cant you carry up your own damn suitcase? you are not needy nor weak. groceries i understand, cleaning up the family dishes when i've used my share, fine, but cleaning up a room that i havent seen in 3+ months just because my sister can keep her stuff clean?
and yes, i totally own up to the fact that im a selfish, spoiled brat. but damn, there are some things that i think people should be able to take care of themselves.
right now my mom is mad at me for not answering her when she was calling me. thing is that i had my headphones on at the times so i couldnt hear her (i had turned them up to tune out my little sister. also she is mad at me for not helping move the table when i have been moving it my own damn self for that past 4 days.
so i am choosing to let them go to my cousins house without me because a little space to think is appreciated. and also im kind of tired of relatives at the moment