Finally I'm Admitting That I Love Him

when i tentatively said to myself, "i think i love him" it felt like that was right. Not right as in right with the world or good, just right as in "correct". i never expected my first "love" to be such a dull ache that spans years rather than a sharp pain that lasts very shortly. (i guess, i kno i havent felt anything as strong and lasting as this and it sure as hell contributes to my depression and misery.)... i had always hoped for it to be with someone that loves me back but nope. and it's been a years long process and it ends the same. im not who he wants. and i will probably cry later. again. shit, after so many rejections and unreturned feelings, you'd think i get better or at least less affected by this. FUCK i dont need this

Pain

Pain, something that I didnt know that I knew about. All I felt was something like a wound. In disbelief I stared at it for awhile, not believing what I was seeing. Finally I poked at it to tell if it was real. Tears, infection, and the pain all flushed out at once and I tried to cradle and protect myself from doing it again. I hugged my arms close around my chest and rocked.
Pain is pretty painful