Maybe I should rename my blog Diary of a Frequently Forgotten and Lonely Black Girl

i didnt realize it till now but i am starting to think that joining a sorority was my downfall. let's look at the facts. pre-sorority, i was confident in myself, enjoyed my own company, self-reliant, and didnt depend on other people to be happy and complete.

when i was on line however all that change. i did it for all the "noble" reasons. i wanted to trust people and friend more and learn to be a part of something other than my own laziness. cuz here was a organization that stated it's values as the same values as i proclaim: academics, helping the community, fighting cultural ignorance, being posed and confident women, and being able to interact with different people. but in order to get that, i compromised so much. and im starting to wonder if any of that is even real.

i was no longer in charge of my own schedule, i had girls tell me how worthless and disappointed in me they were at all times. i didnt have myself and the control to rule my own life. and slowly i crumbled more and more. maybe this whole sorority business has damaged me more than i thought. because now i feel weak, starved for attention, the need to feel truly wanted instead of just tolerated. and i want to impress people. there were times when they kicked me (verbally) while i was down and yeah they would apologize but would do it again and then try to heal the wounds that i never had until they walked in. i have never been on edge so much in my life. it makes me wonder, was i wrong in continuing, in joining, and now, in staying?

before the process i was confident and self assured... and now im the opposite. is it really because of my pledging or is it something else?

i would give all this up in a second if it meant i could go back to how i used to be

I really have no idea how my self esteem ended up in the crapper

it's been a rough couple of months for my emotional and mental health. even after the stress lessened, i still found myself crying in between classes and at night when im by myself and the days activities are over. even right now it's hard for me to keep writing this and not to just regress back into my mind. at the moment i have no control over my thoughts and they just tortured me until im numb and i sleep to get away from it. im doing my best, talking to different people, taking advice, keeping busy. but i dont know for how long this will continue