Heated Chains

Heated Chains: Part 1

I wake up again, panting, wishing for this to be over with already. Shackles of my own loneliness and lust hold me up as I listen for the inevitable footfalls on the stair, which come only when I cease to (hallucinate) again. As I attempt to unlock myself from this self-inflicted pit that I have fallen into, they finally appear. As they walk into the room, my eyes watch with anger at my weakness and embarrassment at the fact that, deep down, I wish be bound like this because I have nowhere else to go. However, each arousal blinds me for longer until the line between what I want and what I have is irrevocably blurred. I stare into the face as it comes closer and closer, kissing me until I fall again into sweet-tasting indulgence and insanity.

These dreams are always the same, my independence and believed inner-strength spat upon as the visions contain my deepest desires. Wishing to be loved for all of me, as my waist and ego are caressed. In this moment, I dont care that this isnt real because this fantasy, this unreality, is the only one that I can claim for myself. There is no guessing, no uncertainty, and no reason to not continue. My life within “reality” has left me little to give up so staying here is too easy.

Again, I fall into a non-sleep that arouses feelings that I always proclaimed that I never had and the heat takes me once more.



Part II: Heated Depths

Within the Dream State
My body is the victim of my thoughts and my thoughts are the night’s prey to my physical cravings. Each intertwine the other in a ongoing circle that keeps me trapped within caresses and chains, wondering if I’ll ever see the light of my self control again



What My Dreams Are Made Of
I dream in emotions where visuals and imagery are secondary. I’m more than just raw, I’m singular and all consuming with the power of what I feel. I wake up with the aftertaste in my mouth and heart and it takes hours to reach any sort of reality again but the heat of my fire stays with me.




Part III: Tentative Cooling

The chains that once burned so fiercely have turned cold on me. After one last effort that blazed into dissipating presence, whatever was holding me here has disappeared. Exhausted and aching I look up at the basement door. I am not sure but I think it's finally unlocked. The only question is if I attempt to escape, will I only be pulled back in. As I walk towards the door though, so far, it seems not

She saw him at the bus stop: a short story

She saw him at the bus stop, probably waiting for the same bus as her. She eyed him, assessing his black spiky hair, coal-black eyes and rounded pink lips. In all honesty, she thought, he is pretty attractive. She guessed from his laptop bag and obvious Chinese descent that he was a student from the college campus that she lived on with her family. The community that she lived in was pretty mixed but there weren’t a lot of Asian men, save for the ones who were going to the college or members of the community who were already married and rarely seen without their wives.
She glanced at him again, a little hesitant to approach. Her experiences (and the experiences of friends like her) told her that most Chinese guys were even less into black women than white guys. White guys had their fantasies of booty shaking girls while Chinese men, it seemed, just ignored the presence of any womanly essence or personal relativity encased in black skin. However, it’s not like she had anything to lose. Her batting average at a continuing acquaintance after a short-lived meeting was so low that she wasn’t too invested in feeling hurt after a more-than-likely rejection.
She moved closer to him, trying to get his slight attention since his headphones would block out anything she said and the words would fall on the ears of the people around her without any reception. Hey, she said, and waited as he took of his headphones, glancing at her.
“I like your laptop bag. Where did you get it?”
He replied with a glimmer of personal connection, “Oh, I actually got it as a gift”
There the conversation started, the easier task for her since starting things were her forte. It was continuing them, preserving them that seemed to be the problem. True to form, the conversation carried as far as the arriving bus. Still attempting to keep the conversation alive, she talked with him about her need for a laptop in her major as they got in line to pay the bus fare. Unfortunately when the fare was paid and she sat down, he nodded in her direction, passed the open seat next to her, and continued to a seat in the back of the bus.
She sighed, put on her headphones, and used the music to drown out the feedback of her latest rejection.



(Let me know what you think!!)

Current Mood: The Urge To Scream "FUCK!!!"

So I visited my college campus to say good-bye to my friends who are going to Rome for study abroad. i love those two girls to death, it's going to be hard without them. We acted crazy and stuff for 4 days and it really did me some good. It reminded me of the good friends and life i have back there to look forward to.
However there was a downside to the visit. Two of my friends who "Werent looking for a relationship" or "didnt want commitment" are now officially in a relationship... wtf? now in my 14+ group of friend it is me and one other girl who isnt in a relationship and the other girl just got out of one so it kinda doesnt count.

hence the urge to scream "fuck"

i mean, it got to the point where i google searched "20 yrs old, never been kissed" to see if i was a freak or not. because no matter what my parents and neighbors say, most people i know have been in at least one relationship if not more. usually more by my age. and when i looked online, the kind of people in the same boat were mostly jesus freaks... yeah, that didnt make me feel any better. fuck, what's so wrong with me?

FUCK

A Letter To Mr. Cutie At the Bus Stop

Dear Attractive Chinese-American U of C Student at the Bus Stop,
When I asked you about your laptop bag, I wasnt actually interested in where you got it. I was trying to start a conversation. and eventually flirt. better luck next time, sexy.

Love,
A Attractive Black Female Iowa State Student

Today was a good day

Man, it seems like my lows are finally not outnumbering my highs so much. and my neutrals are increasing. today was definitely a high though.

Day started out with a food extravaganza, lol. tomato mozarella, out-of-the-box muffins, and a little smoothie, much more than i usually have for breakfast.
At around 12 me, my neighbors, their kids, and my sister all went out to see Toy Story 3. It's funny because my neighbors are white and black and the kids are half white half indian. and then me and my sister are black. my neighbors though are in general, super cool. anyway, Toy Story 3 was great, best movie i've seen this year. after, we went to Little Italy and had Thai food ironically. We also bought Italian ices at the lemonade stand.

When we got home, i got a call from a guy that i know from my old soccer team. i had seen him the day before and he talked about us hanging out, something that i didnt mid doing. so we walked around a nearby park and talked for a bit. unfortunately i was kind of bored and i made up an excuse to go home. he talked about how we should go to a movie or something and at first i was thinking no but i talked to a neighbor who helped me see that not everything has to be about a new relationship or whatever. just going out with a friend and seeing a movie should be chill. now all i have to do is not obssess over it and i will be golden. overthinking stuff is my specialty unfortunately.

so now, im just going to try and take it a day at a time

Starting with this

"I must learn to love the fool in me, the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."- Theodore Isaac Rubin

What Will Destroy Me

What will destroy me is this silence. right here. a silence that smells of this bed that i unconsciously made myself. It's filled with mothballs of my imagination and a chained fence to keep me away from the unimaginable, the unattainable things that i cant cope with.
but it's not my fault, i never knew another way. but im still stranded.
what can i do honestly now that i've seen that there is no way out and the habits i thought were just habits are actually buried deep inside the bone so that i can never escape them or be saved from them.

why do i cringe, why do i run, why cant i just stop and chill for one second. why do i always feel like staying will destroy me when running is helping no better.