Poem #3

Im basically writing a whole bunch of poems so that eventually at least one will be good. hopefully.

Let go, let go
Let go of your investments in the time, space, and feelings you shared with them. I tried to warn you before didn’t I? I told you that as good as it was then, they would eventually drop you at a time where you’re the most vulnerable. See that’s why it’s been just you and me. Which in essence is you and you. Just let go of the laughter inside of the inside jokes and let go of the hugs, the kisses on the cheek, let go of finally being part of something other than your own pity party cause you weren’t even invited to that. Its not that they don’t like you, its just that they didn’t care, something that you always suspected, something that I always told you. But you decided that since you never trusted before, you should probably start. You’ve always been left out, remember?
No matter how long the time, whether weeks, months, or years, they eventually tell you what you knew already. That you just not part of them, can never be part of them and so good luck on your search elsewhere.
What? You don’t want to let go? Please baby, what are you going to do? Even if they do pick you up again, for how long will they keep you? They’ll take what you give them and give you fool’s gold of self-worth and confidence back cause hey, you never mastered the whole “achieving self-contentment” thing alone, did you? Otherwise I wouldn’t be here. So let go of the mess, let go of them, because I will always be here in the back of your mind telling you and reminding you that you aren’t worth the time. You aren’t worth their time.
Now go ahead. Sit in the corner. Make sure to get some tissue
.

So, I have a dilemma

How do I truly acknowledge and accept who I am? I am strange but I am sick of wearing as some sort of badge on my chest. im tired of only trying to be "different" and not me. and the only reason why i do that is because people point out how weird i am without me trying but i dont know how to defend myself against my doubts and their words. i dont know if im doing this right


UPDATE: So after talking with twitter folks i think im going to insert a subtitle whenever i find "political cerebral answers". and i am not mocking the person who told me that because she's right. i need to stop hiding behind it

(for reference Im a 19-year-old, mid-class, black woman from the Midwest. The people I will be referring to are all female and either Latino or Black, middle class or working class. However I go to a majority white, rural school so finding a group of people who wont ask me if I tan is a little difficult which is why I hang with this group so much)

SUBTITLE: the girls im with are some of the few people of color at this school and i feel comfortable hanging out with since i dont have to brush over topics with them for the sake of "getting along"

For those of you who dont know me, I have very rarely cared about fashion. I also cared little about blending in. However things have been happening very fast so even just writing this out may help.

Recently I have gained a new group of friends. Especially two in particular. People who actually seem to like being around me and when I say strange or weird stuff (which happens often) they dont give me the side eye for it. most of the time they either agree or they laugh. mostly laugh. I have had little experience dealing with people and I dont usually hang with my peers but I have been enjoying their company. However there is this one thing.

I have never grown up to love shopping, to care all that much about style or fashion other than the few occasions that i go dancing (cuz i love dancing). I dont wear makeup and rarely wear anything other than beat up white sneakers or boots. So the girls Im hanging with are trying to change that a little. When I wanted to get a outfit to wear when I went dancing, I let them "kidnap" me to get some clothes. Now though, some want me to completely redo my closet. Mostly because all I wear most days are sneakers, jeans, a one size too big tshirt and a bulky sweatshirt. The thing is, I would hate to start nursing a dependence on mainstream clothing and fashion etiquette, which i have always prided myself on not having.

SUBTITLE: I hate changing the things that I like or am comfortable doing just because other people are doing it and not because I actually want it.

One of other the things keeping me from wanting to buy more clothes, accessories, and shoes is that fact that then I would be buying (literally) into the lifestyle that corporations and society tells me i need to have as a black female: the endless nail polish, jewelry, hats, scarves, makeup etc. and i really dont want that. i dont want to be anymore dependent on a system that i despise any more than i have to be. buying clothes that i dont need has never been a mindset of mine and i want to keep it that way.

SUBTITLE: I always compare myself to my peers and I like separating myself as a sort of defense mechanism because I have always been considered strange and so instead of trying to hide it like I used to, I project it until I seem as if I am fine being different. I very rarely find people that wont laugh at me because i've been laughed at by everyone else and it still pisses me off. So I try to fake like I have embraced it instead. TV and people I have tried to be friends with tell me that I'm too out there.
But it is no lie that I despise the manipulative nature of "mainstream culture" because it puts an emphasis on normality. and people tell me im not normal.

some of the people I am hanging out with are willing to let me go as far as i am willing so maybe its just a matter of me saying "okay, im good now. im done buying clothes". cause when i talk about capitalism, racism, or the inherent system of dependency on material items to gain human interactions like friendship and love, and the the inherent privilege that comes with that, nobody really listens.
SUBTITLE: I am starting to learn about capitalism, classism, racism, ableism, and privilege and whenever i want to talk about what i've learned or theories, im always shut down.

reading this post makes me realize that i sound like a 14-year-old. then again when it comes to people my age that probably is my maturity level.


MOST RECENT UPDATE:Yeah, I make simple things complicated and oversimplify the complicated. my dilemma that i posted earlier was less about my friends and more about my continuing issues with being laugh at by my peers and, as a defense mechanism, projecting my "difference" out with false pride. still not sure how to deal with that

Class Assignment

In a place where girls dreamed of their great white knight swooping in to save them from the perils of loserdom, lonliness, and self-confidence, I dream of someone, someone’s, somewhere different. In my battle of being black, being a woman, being someone “real” I am stuck between the worlds or my community’s expectations. I have the wonderful choices of being “some ghetto chick”, expected to flash her booty, juke, and whose self worth is worth less than her Timbs but whose inner strength and individuality is buried and silenced. I could be the uber “successful” BLACK WOMAN lawyer/ doctor whose career was life and life was measured on how you “overcame” stereotypes that weren’t made to fit anyway. And then there was the once-in-a-lifetime offer to be someone “deep”. Someone who took their experiences to mold self into a “beautiful strong young sistah” emphasis on the “tah”. I wanna be down And so with a patriarchal society’s words whispering in my ear, I set off to find “somebody”. Somebody who was the difference, the person that I wished to be.

I dreamed of a lyrical knight, no not a knight, a “brotha’”. The funny thing is he doesn’t even hafta be a brotha. Someone “down”, someone who refuses what is pushed on to him, someone who uses words, style, and sentiment to stand strong, stand proud in the face of the forces that try to detain, mutilate, and destroy. Someone who skateboards, someone who plays street soccer, or uses spoken word to release. No, all he has to be is someone who “gets it”. Who understands to some degree the pits that hold us, the files that dull us down until we forget that what made us, forget how to look beyond what is seen and heard, make us forget how to think for ourselves. At the same time he sees his light, he sees his true worth and knows that it is his expectations that matter the most. Someone who can spit, someone who can speak, whether Chinese, Spanish, Tagalong, or English. I dreamed of someone who could dance the dances. Dances that require some kind of alternate thought, skill, and touch, like the step or the bachata moderna. Hell I would’ve taken the oh-so-cool fists up and rockin back and forward step. The men who get my heart beating arent the ones who say “You had me at hello”. No, it would be “I’m really feelin you.”. bump-BUMP . Like other privileged, middle class, light-skinned, conflicted, “TRAGIC” girl-women, I fell in love with hip-hop and the ideals I created from it.

I wish I was deep

So right now I'm sort of in love with Ill-literacy. It's probably the combination of hip-hop slang and legos that do it. or it could be the style of talk that's so intoxicating. Geez look at me, Im already tryin to spit something as if I am deep.

But really, that's what happens when I try to write poetry. Nowadays songs and people who I think are deep inspire me. My poem Maple Sky? Inspired (and goes a little with the song) White on Rice by Goh Nakamura. and a few poems that I am coming out with right this instant are from feelings that I have for Spoken Words geniuses like Ill-literacy and hip hop in general. So, here the poems are.

Maple Sky
Love’s the high school petty girl
Who uses your heart for a necklace of pearls
And shows off how she has you crippled
Smirking as the smooth surface of my mind ripples

So I'll write a bittersweet poem
about chocolate kisses and ice cold snow in
hopes that you'll never figure out what I mean.
But still it's never as subtle as it seems.

Bigger thoughts float in and out
of my brown head like cirrus clouds
against a large forehead-like backdrop of maple.
Below a forest setting of tight black curls

But it always comes back to me thinking
about how love never rises from the sinking
feeling that’s called melancholy dreaming.


What Am I Hiding?
Tucked away behind my stares and looks of…well I guess I’d call it superiority or maybe even ego. The thing is that yes, my ego is inflated but with what? Ego filled with nothing substantial or real that can combat the miles of insecurities and questions that I battle with while trying to do simple things like ordering a Peppermint Hot Chocolate. I would get a mocha but I really don’t like coffee all that much, I just get it for the chance at having something warm to hold on to, something warm to consume and make me feel content for even just a second. In reality I get a decaf, because I cant really handle the coffee itself. I love the chocolate though because chocolate, even in it’s unadulterated forms, still gives me its richness and flavor without making me deal with any unexpected side effects that I cant handle.
So, what am I hiding?

A Way-To-Being-Less-Ig'nant Reading List

Basically a list filled with books that both were recommended by NCORE, by my peers, and books that I picked up on my own

Lost and Found: Reclaiming the Japanese American Incarceration by Karen L. Ishizuka.

Bad Boys: Public Schools in the Making of Black Masculinity (Law, Meaning, and Violence)

Serving Our Country: Japanese American Women in the Military During World War II, by Brenda L. Moore

The Uses of Haiti- Paul Farmer

Melal: A Novel of the Pacific by Robert Barclay

From a Native Daughter- Haunani Kay Trask

Hawaiian Blood: Colonialism and the Politics of Sovereignty and Indigeneity

Pacific Voices Talk Story: Conversations of American Experience (Volume 4)

roll of thunder hear my cry series (mildred taylor)

The Lost History of Christianity

"The Lone Ranger and Tonto Fist Fight in Heaven" - Sherman Alexie

The Presumed Alliance: The Unspoken Conflict Between Latinos and Blacks and What it Means for America

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man

The Shock Doctrine --Naomi Klein

The Next Evangelicalism: Freeing the Church from Western Cultural Captivity by Soong-chan Rah

The Motorcycle Diaries: Ché Guevara

A People’s History

Whitewashing Race: The Myth of a Color Blind Society by Michael K. Brown

Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paulo Freire

Radical Possibilities: Public Policy, Urban Education and a New Social Movement

Affirmative Action: Racial Preference in Black and White- Tim Wise

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings- Maya Angelou

Yurugu: An African-Centered Critique of European Cultural Thought and Behavior.

The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao by Junot Díaz

Because I Know You Don't Read the Newspaper by Aaron McGruder

Shine, Coconut Moon by Neesha Meminger

Confessions of an Economic Hit Man

Ghosts in Our Blood: With Malcolm X in Africa, England, and the Caribbean

Souls of Black Folk W.E.B Dubois

Native Daughter- Haunani Kay Trask

Hawaiian Blood: Colonialism and the Politics of Sovereignty and Indigeneity

Pacific Voices Talk Story: Conversations of American Experience (Volume 4)

Melal: A Novel of the Pacific by Robert Barclay

Negro History- Carter G. Woodsen

Sex and Race- J.A. Rogers

The Possessive Investment in Whiteness-George Lipsitz

How Jews became white folks and what that says about race in America By Karen Brodkin

Randall Robinson's The Debt: What America Owes to Blacks

Untold Civil Rights Stories: Asian Americans Speak Out for Justice

The Language of Cultural Racism Speech Outline (Revise)

Title: The Language of Cultural Racism

Specific Purpose: To inform my audience about American cultural racism and its appearance in our language by giving historical context of that language.

Central Idea: American cultural racism is evident in the words we use to casually describe appearances, the words that we use to describe behavior and the statements we use to describe ourselves.

Intro

I. Attention: How many of you have seen advertisements for bar soap like Dove, Zest, etc?

II. Reveal: Soap advertising is an example of how things we use everyday usually have a historical context that we don't notice.

III. Relate to Audience: I am sure that all of us (hopefully) use soap.

IV. Background/Importance: Soap advertising as well as advertising in general is influenced by the audience and therefore society is broadcast’s to such as in the 1800's when Pears Soap was advertised as so powerful that it could wipe even the grimy and filthy dark skin color from an heathen African and keep a White man clean and white.

V. Topic Focus: During my time as a NCORE scholar, I have read and learned about how the images and language that we see in America’s society everyday influences and are influenced by Cultural Racism which reveals itself in many ways such as the language that we use every day to describe appearances, behavior, and ourselves.

VI. Preview: However, many people have always thought that racism is just a personal prejudice and hate towards a group but it is a lot deeper than that.

(Connective: A quick explanation of terms like racism, cultural racism, and systematic racism is needed to explain the impact of racist language.)

Body

I. Understanding Cultural Racism, Racism, and Systematic racism is needed to understand the impact that racist language has as explained in Beverly Daniel Tatum’s book, Why Are All The Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria.

A. Racism is not necessarily just an individual act of hatred or superiority but also the system of advantage based on race.

B. American Cultural Racism is the cultural images and messages that affirm the assumed superiority and humanity of Whites and the assumed inferiority and dehumanization of people of color.

C. Systematic racism is basically the clockwork-like way that people reinforce racism daily, through pictures, television, and also, speech.

D. To summarize, racism is personal prejudice plus the power of society backing you up, cultural racism is the images and messages that uphold racism and systematic racism is the way that these images and messages are repeated.

(Connectives: Some may be wonder “Ok but how does that apply to us and things like pop culture?” and in response I ask you to look at this image.)

II. American cultural racism is apparent in the words we use to casually describe appearances.

A. I was in my Design 102 class preparing my project when I heard a girl talking about a party she went to say, “She was chink-eyed after her 3^rd drink.”

B. Chink eyes is used to describe a person who has their eyes squinted together and who people think look “like a Asian” (Examples: When on is intoxicated, tired, high on drugs etc so much that their eyes are squinted or half closed.)

C. The word chink is a very derogatory term referring to people of Eastern Asian origin and came about during the Yellow Peril hysteria in the U.S. during which Chinese laborers immigrated to the United States and were put through much discrimination including the Chinese Exclusion Act which banned any further Chinese immigration.

D. The description of a person being a "chink" or a person who has their eyes squinted is essentially mocking and a direct attack at people of Asian descent.

E. The imagery itself is depicting the stereotype of people of Chinese descent all having "squinty" eyes.

(Connectives: Now that we’ve seen how cultural racism pops up in how we describe appearances, we can look at how it can appear in how we describe behavior)

III. American cultural racism is apparent in the words we use to describe behavior.

A. When describing others many people use the term "acting black" when engaged in stereotyped behavior such as being skilled physically as in sports or dancing

1. The phrase is historically relevant in the fact that from times of slavery, to segregation, the post civil rights era, and the current age, black people are stereotyped as being physically gifted but extremely unintelligent and ignorant.

2. In the movie Hellzapoppin', black servants are portrayed as simple-minded and child-like but good at dancing as the film shows them lindy hopping. .

B. There was a backlash against the movie Transformers 2 specifically against their portrayal of the Robots Mudflap and Skids who were acting in people mind’s as “black (“ghetto slang, gold teeth, etc) and were portrayed as always joking with each other and good at combat but simple and unintelligent (“We don’t read much”)

(Connectives: Many times when I have talk about issues such as this one with my peers, I am told that there is no need to be so politically correct.)

IV. American cultural racism is how we describe and exonerate ourselves.

A. Cultural racism is historically evident in how we refer to ourselves as not bothering to be "politically correct".

1. When I answered my teacher’s question about what was better to say, black people or African American, he then stated how he saw no need to be so politically correct all the time anyway.

2. Black is more inclusive of the presence of people with African ancestry who are not American or just African American.

B. Politically correct is a term that was first used as civil-rights backlash as explained by Will Hutton of The Observer.

C. “It was actually perceived by many as a right-wing tactic to dismiss—or backlash against—left-leaning social change.”-Will Hutton

D. This expression was used to dismiss the need for human rights and social change in the 1960s and 70s.

E. The phrase” “politically correct tells me that their issues have no importance and do not need to be thought about.

(Connectives: Language, when examined, is one of the marks of our culture and a culture that contains Cultural Racism translates it through language..)

Conclusion

I. Signal the end of the speech: Hopefully, we now have seen how Cultural racism can be more than just an individual’s prejudice and include the historical context and systematic cultural support that continue racism.

II. Reinforce the central idea: As in the case of Pears soap advertising, analyzing the messages that society and the media can help us figure out how our language is influenced by it.

III. Clear closing line: Hopefully this gives people a better background to see in another light the skeletons in these phrases’ closets.

"Are You Saying That IM Being Racist?"

Sooooo...lately I have been pissing off my professors. Im that annoying black girl that wont stop bringing race into the conversation (cause it totally wasnt there before right?)

In my Graphic Design seminar, we are talking about careers in Graphic Design and the movements/principles that back them. We were going over the 20s when I noticed that all 20+ examples of posters were the same white mainstream themed. That kinda made me irritated. So after the class, I approached my teacher about maybe including slides of posters created by people who lived different (i.e. somebody who aint white). His response? "Well I dont have time to put more posters or examples in." which translates in my head to "The narratives of non-white people arent important and dont mean anything, at least not enough to include in a class that is supposed to be preparing us for life outside of school." So then I countered, "Well how about just keeping the themes that you are surrounding and just taking out posters and putting in ones that come from a different viewpoint but the same theme." So as he pondered that, I left for my next class.

So I thought I handled that pretty ok. Then, I had Sociology.

The way my sociology class is taught is very problematic to me. See the class itself is awesome because we are looking at the effects of capitalism on the individual human. However the whiteness of this human is implict if not stated. Oftentimes my teacher compares "Traditional Societies" with "Modern Societies", My problem isnt even necessarily that Modern societies are Western European based or influenced because hey, capitalism and "modern" themselves are (I think) Euro-created. What I have a real problem with though is how my teacher portrays "Traditional societies". When he talks about "traditional societies" that are European, he usually brings up slides of the Medieval times. However with non-western European societies, the same twentieth century depictions of "tribal life" (with loinclothes and spears galore) are always shown. Also we are always taught that those tribes and by extensions those countries who havent bought into "modernity" yet are underdeveloped and all run around chanting "Ai-yi-yi". We are never shown societies that are more "advanced" or at least live in a larger communities like the Mesopotamians or Egyptians. I mean, I dont see European Cavemen when he talks about traditional western european societies.

Also I have a problem with the way he polarized "traditional" and "modern" life because in all reality, there are many aspects of society that would be considered traditional and aspects of thought-to-be "traditional" societies that are "modern". I could talk about the invention of metal (not by Europeans either) or the highly sophisticated water systems developed by societies in West Africa (that Europeans societies copied and now are labeled "modern"). Anyway I raise my hand about these stereotyped and Eurocentric views all the time but usually he talks about how I cant take this personally or culturally or whatever and keeps going

So finally I approached him after class (after being blown off the first time) and asked him why European societies were portrayed this way and non-Western European societies other ways. (and then i accidentally went off on a tangent about how people of color's bodies are considered to be accessible to all via the tribal images but i didnt really mean to bring that up) anyways I got back on track and the breakdown of what he said is that this is what tribal and traditional societies are like and that he is just telling us the differences and such. and then he said how any "modern" qualities that I saw in traditional societies was most likely my wishful thinking. Then he started on the "Are you saying that Im being racist by showing these images?" and i knew at that point that he just wasnt listening. So I just left and ranted with a mentor of mine. But I am not sure what to do.

So Speech Communications has been interesting as well but at least in a good way. I have given 2 speeches so far and am giving on next wednesday. The first one was Self Introduction-themed so I gave my classmates a taste of what it is like being one of the few black females on campus and the questions I get ask and behaviors that are directed towards me. Then I gave a speech about whitewashing (or Racebending in this case) of the Last Airbender movie and the movement that is going on. Now my speech theme is based on Fascinating Issues and Concepts of Communication. My speech is on The Language of Cultural Racism. however my teacher is pretty cool and helps me with my structure and with delivering a speech in which the delivery is just as good as the content. So I like that class.

So those are some of the big issues that I have been dealing with so far this semester. On sunday I am taking a canoe trip so i can get some peace.